In the self-help world, a phrase that we hear a lot is “it’s not happening toyou, it’s happening foryou.” The intention of this phrase is to motivate you out of victim mode, where nothing is in your control because you are the victim to all these circumstances around you. The empowering behavior would be to see what is happening, and ask yourself what value can you create out of the circumstance? What good can come from this?
Sometimes the good means that you can grow into a bigger person. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned. Maybe you have the opportunity to try something new or different from how you’ve handled things in the past. Maybe you get to practice a lesson already learned. The options are infinite.
I’m aware of this phrase when I’m in a deep conversation with my boyfriend and I’m getting heated, hearing him say with a laugh, “I’m bringing this up because it seems to hit a button for you.”
It just got me burning in all directions. Not only was he pushing my buttons to get me heated in conversation, but he was doing it on purpose because he was amused by how worked up I was getting. How this right or even fair? What the hell?
I could look at the situation in a few different ways. I could blame him and say he’s an awful person for intentionally pushing my buttons and laughing at me. It’s not my problem, it’s his. I could take it so far as to say that I don’t want a relationship with someone that does that to me, makes me feel triggered, and pushes me past my levels of comfort and control. Or I could take responsibility for the fact that my reaction happened so fast, I didn’t even check myself to find out why I was so hot in the first place.
Even though I don’t always catch myself in the moment, I can notice it later and examine what happened. I look at the options I have around interacting with someone that triggers me this way.
Before I was in a relationship, I was so comfortable being in my bubble. In my bubble I was in control of choosing the content I digested and interacted with, and also what I was willing to approach and work on. I was in total control, and I very rarely let something come in that pushed my buttons. I decided what I wanted to work on and how deeply I would engage with it. And I had some great progress this way. And there was a part of me asking "Wasn’t that enough?!"
But being in a relationship pushes so many of my buttons that I was avoiding. The ones that have me look really honestly at my beliefs that might not be serving me, such as my insecurities. The way that I want to live my life involves me evolving into my best version of myself, which means I’m going to have to look at those insecurities and question if they are serving my highest good.
I’m grateful for a relationship that is pushing my buttons. And I’m really grateful that he’s patient and sees my good qualities. Next week I will look at the steps I take to break down my triggers.
For now, I want to challenge you to notice your reactions. If you have a big reaction to something someone says or does, notice what happens on your end. Is your reaction in line with what happened or is it bigger than needed?
No work needs to be done, just notice.
If you are having really big reactions, how can I support you? Whether you need someone to listen or if you need some suggestions for resources, I am here to help. Feel free to reach out, and I'm happy to help in whatever way would be useful. I'm here for you.
Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.