I’m really interested in talking more about self-love these days. But that topic is so vague and so large that I really want to dissect it. What the heck is self-love anyway? Why does it matter? Why is it so cheesy?
You know what they say: “To know me is to love me.” So I started to get to know myself better. I observed my reactions and throughs and behaviors. And the more I knew, the more self love I felt. And I noticed as my love for myself grew, my confidence also grew.
I think confidence is the outward expression of our own self love. Let's crack confidence wide open.
A lot of people that know me think I am a really confident person. And in a lot of ways, I am. But before I go into that too deeply, let’s look at the different types of confidence.
There is the surface level or confidence which is derived from the things you HAVE. This is all about the clothes, cars, shoes, makeup, home… etc. It can go so far as to say that you can also include things like having children, lots of friends or a happy relationship in this category. It can be easy to get a boost in confidence from having these things, but it never lasts long. It’s not real, it’s just surface and therefore the good feelings are also very surface level.
The next level of confidence is derived from the things you DO. This is all about the things you do that get you praise. Straight As in school, working hard at your job and getting employee of the month, awards, praise, recognition. This stuff can feel really good because we usually work really hard for it. We as a society really value hard work and good work ethics, so naturally we derive some confidence from it. Again, this is all outside of ourselves and to an extent we can’t really control it. Praise can be unpredictable and can go away at a moment's notice.
It also assumes that you have to do things to be of value. Which is simply not true. These things we do can give a boost of confidence from the things that we do, but it’s only going to be temporary.
The deepest phase of confidence is from who we ARE. This is the phase where you can say to know me is to love me. When we know, accept, and love who we are we show up with natural confidence. We are naturally embracing all the parts of the self and we are ok with all of it. This kind of confidence is rock solid, because it requires nothing of anyone outside of the self. You are in complete control of this kind of confidence. This is how you know that no matter what you will be ok. Lose your job? Get dumped? Win the lottery and lose it all? It is all going to be OK because you know that deep down you have your own back.
There is really nothing more important than this. Getting to a place where you feel rock solid in this third level of confidence is a journey that I believe each human being is called to take. I believe this is the core of having solid relationships with other people.
This was the confidence I was lacking. I had a shaky belief in myself and I didn't really have my own back. I would bend over backwards to keep promises to others, but broke them with myself at a moment's notice. I didn't really know who I am as a person, what I bring to the table or what my shortcomings are.
When we lack this level of self-confidence it seeps into other areas of our lives. Our relationships feel a little unsatisfying. Our job doesn't quite fit. It seems like there's something more.
No one teaches this stuff. It isn’t learned in school or at home. We have to create our own life curriculum to learn it, and that’s why I think it is so important for me to be teaching it. I’m going to dive into the topic of confidence and self-love. I want to help you get what you need to have incredible success in relationships and life, and I think this is the key. Will you join me?
If you’re in, I have some homework for you. Because if you’ve worked with me, you know I loooooove homework. I want you to observe the way you talk to yourself for one day. Get a piece of paper and fold it in half long ways, and keep this handy all day. In one column I want you to tally any time you say something nice about yourself, like “I feel great,” “I’m thankful for…” “I look good,” or “That was a smart thing to say,” etc. You don’t have to keep track of what you say, just tally when you do it. In the other column I want you to make a tally for anything negative that you say to yourself, which might sound like, “That was a stupid thing to do,” “ugh, look at the way my stomach sticks out,” “I am always late to everything,” “I’m a failure,” etc. Just track your thoughts for one day and see which column has more tallies. I’ll be talking more about this next week.
Lots of love!
Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.