I'm getting really mad.
I see a lot of people out there complaining about all the bad options on the dating apps. There are entire Instagram accounts dedicated to posting how ridiculous men are and how badly they are behaving. (News flash: they wouldn’t be behaving that way if it didn’t work for them.)
It makes me so mad to watch these people spending all this energy on people that they’ve identified are not a good fit for them. It’s the equivalent of looking at a restaurant’s menu and focusing only on peanut butter when you have a peanut allergy. You wouldn’t run around that restaurant saying, “Don’t you dare bring me peanut butter! I don’t want that peanut butter!!”
No. If you were hungry, you would scan the menu for things that you can eat. Or you would go somewhere else that can accommodate you.
Dating is exactly the same. Why would you spend all that energy on the people that you know are wrong for you?
Most people can tell you exactly what they don’t want.
I don’t want any cheaters or liars.
I don’t want to date an alcoholic.
I don’t want any drama.
We all have these lists, and they are actually a useful place to start. But you don't want to get stuck there. Here's why.
When you are focused on the things you don’t want you are arguing to keep your limitations. The way that focus works is that your brain will look for other things just like what you’re focused on.
So if you’re writing in your dating profile “No cheaters” your brain is going to be scanning for cheaters. All you will see is cheaters! And you’re going to get really frustrated because it will seem like all of your options are exactly what you don’t want.
Your focus on your limitations is holding you back. A limitation by definition is a restriction. You’re feeling frustrated because you’re restricted in your options, and therefore you feel like dating is so much harder.
Stop putting all the energy and focus on what you don’t want. You are holding so tightly to your “don’t wants” that there is no space for anything else.
Identifying what you don’t want is the first level of clarifying what it is that you do want. We want to move on from this level as quickly as possible. But very few people can tell you what they do want. If I were to ask you "what do you want," can you answer that question?
Let me help you get started. You can start by flipping the list of what you don’t want to the opposite. “I don’t want an alcoholic” could become “I want someone mentally and physically healthy.” Try it for yourself. Look over the list and see if you agree. See if it sparks some other ideas.
What else do you want? When was the last time you gave yourself permission to ask yourself that question and take the time to answer it?
That’s your homework today. Right now. Take a time out from work and take 10 minutes to answer the question “What do I want?” Paint the picture as vividly as you possibly can.
And then share it. Comment below and tell me your vision of what you want. Tell your best friend or your mom. Tell someone that will help you hold that vision and will cheer you on. By saying it out loud, it starts to feel real and helps you move closer to getting it.
I'm here for you, and I'm cheering you on. I want you to have everything you want! If you want someone in your corner to help you get there, let's talk. Claim your a free discovery coaching session.
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