The #1 Dealbreaker at the top of your list

A few years ago I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time and I shared with him that I was going to be seeing one of my exes for a friendly catch up since he was in town. Was he ok with that, I asked him. He got quiet and seemed to almost withdraw. He said he was glad I told him before it happened and he was ok with it. He seemed to be withdrawn for the rest of the night, which made me wonder what was wrong. But I was pretty certain it had nothing to do with my question.
It turns out he withdrew from my moment of trust, honesty and vulnerability because had been cheating on me. He cheated on me for months while we dated, and it was incredibly painful when I finally found out. I was devastated.
And then I looked back over our relationship and I saw dozens of little examples of moments like this. Moments where his behavior seemed a little off and dodgy, but I didn’t know why. I thought it was because I was being vulnerable and he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with me. But it was because he felt guilty that I was being so honest and he was hiding something. He was worried he’d get caught in a lie.
This is an extreme example of the dealbreaker that should be #1 on every person’s dating list. It is so obvious, and yet we don’t really think about it.
Trust. If you don’t trust the person, the relationship is automatically dead in the water.
Knowing whether or not you trust a person is something you can sense immediately. Do you feel like you can relax and let yourself just be who you are? Do you feel safe?
I should note that I am talking about early in a dating relationship that trust is a dealbreaker. When you are in a long term relationship, there are different rules and negotiations around trust and repairing broken trust.  But when you first start dating a person, you either trust the person or you don’t. That is the starting point and it’s not going to get any better if you don’t trust the person.
I encourage you to check in with yourself regularly at the beginning of a relationship with a person. Ask yourself how you feel around the other person. Check in as you get ready for the date, at the beginning, middle and end.  
It’s a simple and straightforward blog today because it’s a simple concept. Even though you won’t have any of your instincts tell you to look for trust, when you do look you know. Your instincts will actually tell you to look if you are compatible to make great babies, but that’s a completely different blog post. You have to be consciously asking yourself if you feel you can trust the person.
What is one memory you have when you look back and know that you didn’t trust the person? Comment and tell me your story. Noticing these moments in the rear view mirror will make them easier to see in the future when you are in the moment. Take a step forward by noticing patterns from the past.