I have one client who I will call J, and she is always telling me how much she hates the dating apps. “I spend all this time reading profiles, swiping, and sending messages but no one actually asks me out. I don’t go on that many dates. And when I do, I know almost immediately that it’s a bad fit. These apps just don’t work, they’re a waste of time,” she tells me.
And I agree with her. She was using the apps to feel less bored and less alone. She was finding temporary distraction and what seemed like connection through the apps, but it wasn’t satisfying.
I want to bring back the lost art of connection.
J is struggling because she feels bad for being lonely. She’s lacking connection so she logs onto the dating apps and searches for connection there. Even if it doesn’t work out perfectly it feels slightly better than doing nothing at all. But it’s still a let down.
She was afraid to try real life connection because deep down she was afraid of being rejected. And that fear felt waaaay worse than the disappointing dates.
Wanting connection is innate in human beings. If you're feeling lonely, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE HUMAN! We all want connection.
We over-complicate connection. We focus so much on “Does the other person like me?” and we never ask “Do I like him/her?”
It’s really not important if they like you. The little known secret is that people like us when we like them. When we are focusing on the qualities we like about another person, we will see more things that we like, and we begin building strings of connection.
I challenge you to flip the script in your brain. Drop all the importance and fuss around “Do they like me?” It doesn’t matter. There are 7 billion people on this planet and the only person who REALLY has to like you is YOU. And maybe your mom. Everyone else is a bonus and there are literally billions of people that have the potential to like you, so this one person is just a drop in the sea.
The question you need to be asking is “Do I like this person? Do I like who I become and how I feel when I am around this person?” When your answer is yes, then you have a foundation to expand on.
Your turn. The next time you are spending time with anyone (it can be a date, a friend, or a family member) ask yourself that question. And then take the answer and use it to decide if this person is worth connecting with.
Spend more time with people that make you feel good, spend less time and energy with people that make you feel less than good. This is how we build connection and have more fulfilling relationships.
This kind of advice might put me out of business, because it makes dating so simple. Try out this simple shift in your thinking, and I guarantee that the quality of your relationships will skyrocket because of this.
Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.