Here's Help for the Holiday Blues

Last week I drafted a post about feeling grief during this time of year. And I re-read it right before I hit the send button and realized it wasn’t ready. It was still full of my own emotions- my pain, anger, and grief.

Don’t get me wrong. Emotions are powerful. Emotions are what I DO. I love them and there is nothing wrong with having emotions. But, I know it’s not helpful for you to read my writing while I am still actively in the emotions. It’s an old writing rule. You teach after you’re through the pain, not while you’re in it. It’s not fun for anyone to read.

Think about how uncomfortable it is for you when you’re sitting with someone in pain. No one teaches us how to be there with someone handling difficult emotions. And it’s even worse to do that when you’re reading about someone’s pain! And that’s exactly what I could talk about today.

Holiday blues are a very real thing. Many people feel sad during this time of year, for a variety of reasons. And the pressure to make it the merriest and most wonderful time of year makes it harder. It feels lonely and isolating to have sad feelings and to not be understood.

If there is someone in your life going through this, here’s what to say or do to be helpful.

1. Say, “I bet this is hard/painful/sad for you. I’m right here with you.” This validates how they’re feeling and allows them to feel how they need to feel.

2. Notice your own reaction. Do you want to try to make them better? This is common because we don’t like how uncomfortable we feel when someone is feeling low. And to make ourselves feel better, we try to make them feel better. What if nothing has gone wrong? What if they are supposed to feel sad right now? And if that’s the case, it’s ok for you to feel some discomfort AND allow them to have their own feelings. Don’t make it about you!

3. Ask, “What would look and feel like support from me right now?” This allows them to paint a picture of what they need. Don’t be surprised if they answer, “I don’t know.” If so, go back to #1. Sometimes it can help having someone be there.

4. Remind them, “I am here anytime. Literally. You can call or text me any time you need to talk or have someone remind you that you’re loved. Because I love you.” Set your own parameters around your availability. When people are going through difficult times, it helps to know that they're loved.

5. Other helpful things to say: “I hear you.” “In the past when you’ve felt like this, what was comforting or helpful for you?” (and then offer to do it with them) “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

Things not to do:

1. Don’t rush through to the silver lining. Pointing out the good without acknowledging what they are feeling can be invalidating. It makes the person feel like you don’t understand them or that what they’re feeling doesn’t matter.

2. Don’t minimize. You might think it’s helpful to say something like, “At least this bad thing happened before the holidays!” or “Your ex was a jerk anyway!” It’s actually the opposite of helpful. It’s trying to cut their pain, which never actually works. You have to feel through the pain to help it go away.

3. Don’t rely on alcohol, drugs, food, or other substances to numb or escape pain. It doesn’t actually help the person to heal. It sometimes compounds the problem. Find ways to help process the emotion that also nurture their body (for example: go for a walk, drink lots of water, try yoga or stretching).

4. Don’t say “this too will pass”! I know you mean well, but anytime someone tells me that when I’m in pain, I want to punch them in the nose. I know it’s true, but it makes me angry!

For those that are going through something at the holidays, it’s ok to be there and to help support them. They are allowed to feel however they need to feel. And if this is you going through things right now, I feel you and you have my deepest compassion. Let yourself feel your feelings and also feel the moments of lightness (however small). They are both there, even when we are in darkness.