Calling All My Power Back to Me Now

You don’t realize how much energy you put into walking on eggshells until you stop doing it. 

My ex had a lot going on with his physical and mental health. Which was a perfect storm for a recovering overfunctioning codependent such as myself. I spent so much of my time talking to him about his issues and dissecting every little thing with him. And if we weren’t talking about his issues, I was worried about triggering them so I tried to take up as little space as possible around the house. 

What’s a recovering overfunctioning codependent, you may wonder. I am so glad you asked.

A codependent, as defined by my mentor Terri Cole, is a person who is overly invested in the feeling states, the decisions, the outcomes, and the circumstances of the people in their life to the detriment of their own inner peace and well-being. 

An over-functioning codependent refers to the particular breed who does all the things for the other person, carries all the burdens, and does everything they can to care, nurture, or ease the way for the other person. This is usually a woman, because we’ve been socialized to be like this, who is kicking ass and taking names at work. The person everyone thinks is such a catch. But she’s dating the couch potato who can’t hold down a good job and spends his weekends playing video games with his friends. All of her friends wonder why she’s with him or if he’s just really good in bed. 

She’s with him because he’s playing an important role in her life. It’s giving her just enough love and validation that she feels a little bit less alone, a little less empty when she’s with him. It’s only just barely enough because if she let herself be really honest she would tell you she’s not really feeling satisfied in her life. She feels like there’s something more. Or that she’s holding something back. But she’s scared if she expresses all of her that she’ll be unlovable and alone for all time. 

This is why a breakup can be devastating to an over-functioning codependent. She’s lost her source of love and validation. It can be crippling. Trust me, I know, I lived it for a long time. 

However, there is hope. I now consider myself to be in recovery and my recent breakup from my ex with all the various ailments allowed me to realize something. I realized how much of my power I was giving to him. I realized I am way more powerful that I was willing to recognize before. 

So instead of letting him have my power so he can heal, I’m calling it all back to me now. I think about power cords extending from my mind, my heart, and my hoo-ha (as Emily Fletcher likes to refer to our sexual organs). I imagine unplugging each one from my ex. He no longer has a power supply from this source any more. And I wind up each cord and let it come back into myself. Maybe I even plug it into myself so I can charge up. 

I call back the power I was putting out. I intend to use this towards my healing and towards my growth. I need this power in order to mourn what was lost and to find the courage to look for opportunities for myself. 

The power was mine. I freely gave it and now I am redirecting it back to myself. Where I most need it right now.