We Call It "Dream Death"

Last week, I sent a survey asking for your feedback about the blog. I loved all the responses, and will definitely be jamming about them as I move forward. I’m so excited to have such an engaged, thoughtful, and reflective community. What you’re interested in lines up beautifully with what I’m interested in writing about. This is going to be fun! (If you didn’t take the survey and still have some thoughts to share you can do so here.)
 
Some of the answers I got were about dealing with change. And that’s where I’d like to begin today.
 
We have all been there: In our heads we are mentally preparing for something that we really want. Two years ago, after I went through a bad breakup up, I realized I had been planning our entire future. I had visions in my head about a wedding and living together in our apartment. Plus dreams of building a business together, traveling, and leading an incredibly exciting life together.
 
When he and I broke up, I still felt really hung up on him. I realized I wasn’t hung up on himexactly, I was stuck on this future I thought I was going to have. I really wanted that life. But that life with that guy wasn’t going to happen. I needed to let go.
 
It wasn’t an easy process for me. This was my future that I designed. I had become emotionally attached to this thing that hadn’t happened (and honestly, hadn’t even been said out loud to anyone). It seemed like it was harder to let go of because it hadn’t happened yet. There was no reality to deal with, just the perfect vision in my mind. 
 
This happens to us all the time. Some people call it future-tripping. It’s when we create something for our future, and it feels so real and we get so invested in it. It can be a helpful tool for some instances, because it can help you create a life that you love. But when it falls apart and you feel lost because you didn’t get that future, it can be devastating. We do this in all areas of our lives- the perfect job, having a family, ideal family vacations or holiday dinners, and the list goes on. I bet if you got honest, you could name three different futures you have in your head that you are mentally playing out right now.
 
To deal with letting go of this future, a girl friend and I created a ritual. We decided we needed to honor the death of the dream. Giving it respect seems like the most natural way to let go and move on. 
 
We realized that honoring a dream death helps on so many levels. We find the process is best when you have a compassionate witness by your side, instead of trying to do this alone. Make sure the person is a compassionate listener, which means that they will let you say whatever you need to say and not try to fix it, diminish it, or make it go away. This needs to be someone that can sit with you in your shit and hold your hand.
 
First, we get honest. And honesty is where everything begins. We acknowledge what we were hoping would happen. Saying it out loud brings it to the light, and somehow bringing it out loosens the grip in my brain. (It really helps to have that compassionate witness nod their head and say that you’re not crazy for painting this vivid image of a future). It also acknowledges that we are probably going to experience grief and the whole host of emotions that come with that. This helps me feel less like a crazy lady for feeling feelings about something that didn’t even happen. It somehow normalizes it, and that gives me a bit of comfort. 
 
Next, we write a letter to the dream. In my case, since it was a breakup, I wrote the letter to my ex. I described everything I thought we would have together and how I was feeling. You could write it to anyone or anything.  Get everything out that you need to say. You get to be angry, frustrated, sad, what have you. 
 
After everything that needs to be said and written are said and written, we release it by burning the letter. We watch it turn to ash and smoke. Something about that feels really satisfying. We’ve always washed away the ashes with water of some kind, which wasn’t exactly intentional but in retrospect I think it’s actually important. Water brings about renewal. It is a symbol of a new start.
 
This week, I had a dream death. I have been planning to run the Loch Ness Marathon for over a year now. And while I’m still  running a marathon this year, it will not be in Scotland. I’m pretty sad about this part. I was so looking forward to being back in one of my favorite places in the world, and accomplishing a major goal while I was there. 
 
My inner critic has been especially harsh lately, criticizing myself for tackling a goal like this and failing so spectacularly. And I'm coping with that by I’m by extending compassion and forgiveness to myself. I'm also reframing how I see the experience. It's not a failure in a bad way. Yes, I failed to meet my goal but now I have new information about how to reach that goal next time. It's not over, I just got feedback about what doesn't work. 
 
I’m letting myself feel any feelings that come up, but I am not letting my critic steal the show. There is a lot to learn here that will help me next time. Keeping myself focused is helping to bring relief
 
Does this resonate with you? If so, I invite you to share this email with the person you’d like as your compassionate witness. Forward this to them and set a date for your own dream death ritual. I hope it brings you as much relief as it brings me. 
 
All love.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

I need your help please!

My blog this week is different because I'm asking you for your input, your thoughts, your challenges and fears, and how I can be most helpful.

I am so lucky to have an email list where a LOT of you actually open, read, and respond to my emails. Believe me, I know I am really lucky to have that. 

Because of that I want to make sure I am serving you the best I can. I want to write about stuff that is useful and exciting to you. And to do that I need your help. I need to know what you want to be hearing about.

So I wrote a quick survey that should literally take all of three minutes. I made it really easy to select some ideas that might interest you and I gave you space to write to me too. Take it by clicking here. There are just a few questions, answer some or all of them because your input is helpful! 

If you would prefer to just comment below with your responses, here are some questions to consider: 

• What big challenge are you struggling to overcome?
• What's got you feeling confused or stuck right now in your life?
• What conflicting advice are you trying to sort through?

Thank you in advance for your help. I appreciate you being here and I appreciate what you have to say. 

Take the survey by clicking here!

Let's dive into negative feelings. Take a deep breath. Let's go.

People that ask about intuition are usually looking for an answer to a big question in their life. They are wondering what to do to get unstuck or to feel happier. Sound familiar? I know it really well.
 
Dealing with the triggers that push our buttons and getting unstuck are really dealing with the same problem. We must be willing to change how we see negative emotions. They aren't something to ignore, push away, or rush through. 
 
Negative emotions have a purpose, we humans are not meant to feel positive and happy all the time. Anyone that tells you otherwise should be chucked into the nearest river immediately. Negative emotions are incredibly effective at showing us what we don’t want, and also inspiring us to take action to change the situation. 

When we have a negative emotion we can see it as a signal. It's a alarm bell that we are tolerating something that we don't really resonate with on a deeper level. That means we need to take a look at what's causing the negative emotions and we can address the problem.

It also requires you to actually feel the feelings that are coming up. Don’t push them away, don’t ignore them. Just like when you’re swimming in the ocean and a wave comes along. You can’t run from it and you can’t go around it. You have to dive into it and then you are safe from the crash. 

Dive into the negative feeling. There is something there that is asking for your attention. 
 
This is why it’s actually a good thing when your buttons get pushed. They’re triggering some negative emotions, which is just a starting point to growth. You’re being called to be greater. Go into it, answer the call.

Here is my process for dealing with negative emotions. 
 
The first step to dealing with negative emotions is to recognize and notice that you’re feeling them. Sometimes I can get into a funk without even noticing it, and then it effects my mood and how I treat the other people around me all day without really being aware of what I’m doing. This actually happened the other day. My boyfriend pointed out I was being a grump, and at that time I wasn’t ready to hear it, so I laughed it off. He brought it up again later, and I thought maybe it was time to take a look at why he’d say it twice. Was it true, was I grumpy?
 
I checked in with myself and did a mental scan of my body and my emotions. Sure enough, some really grouchy feelings were hanging out. I was trying to push them down by ignoring them. 
 
After I noticed the feelings and acknowledged that they were real, what did I do next? 
 
My next step was to get distance. An idea that revolutionized my coaching was the concept that I am not my thoughts. Thoughts are things, they are not who I am. Think about it this way. If your thoughts were like tiny little frogs hopping around, you could watch the frogs. If you were all the frogs you wouldn't see them, you would BE all of them. I am separate from the frogs. I can see each frog as something separate from who I am.
 
So, that means my thoughts are just that – thoughts. Most of the time they’re not even mine because I’ve picked them up from somewhere or someone else. I chose to label them to give myself extra distance from identifying anything as “mine.” When we claim something as “mine,” it becomes a part of you and therefore it becomes really difficult to give up. And that’s what we’re trying to do, right- give up the bad feelings and move to something that feels better. 
 
When I was feeling grumpy I labeled it by saying “It’s the grumpy feeling.” Or “I’m noticing the feeling of dissatisfaction.” 
 
After labeling the feeling and giving myself a little distance, I get really curious. What is this feeling about? What caused it? Can I backtrack and find where it started? Are there any similarities to other times that I felt this way? What clues can I find about these thoughts and feelings? 
 
As I get to know the negative feelings, I start to see patterns and the cause. When I was feeling grumpy this weekend, I did a body scan and memory scan and noticed I didn’t have anything particularly to feel grumpy about. But I did realize I burned a lot of calories on my long training run that morning. I get grumpy when I’m hungry. Ding ding ding!! Problem found and a solution was easy.
 
Maybe you’re thinking, “That’s great for you Sarah, that you were able to identify you were grumpy because you were hungry. But I have some really big stuff I’m dealing with. I’m feeling depressed most of the time. I’m tired. I have no energy. I just want to feel better.” I promise you that the process is exactly the same, even if the solution is different. It may take some time to get to the solution, but the process goes:
 
Identify. Name it and distance yourself. Get curious. Find the solution. 
 
It sounds simple because it is. It isn’t always easy, and that’s the distinction. It asks you to be courageous enough to be completely honest with yourself. 
 
To be clear, it’s not about going from feeling really crappy to totally joyful and in love in 60 seconds flat. Sometimes it’s about baby steps. You reach for feeling something that is just a tiny bit better than what you’re feeling right now. By baby stepping to get a little bit better, a little bit better, a little bit better you will soon find yourself feeling a whole lot better. 
 
Here is my invitation to you. Share this post with a friend that is going through some negative emotions. Let them know you want to support them through their process, that you see the struggle and you are there for them. Offering your support and presence is the greatest gift you can give someone. I encourage you to do that today. 

All love,
Sarah

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.
 

My personal experience with intuition

This is a moment of honesty and transparency before moving into today's email. I wrote the blog I promised last week. It was about how stop getting your buttons pushed. I wrote the email and realized I was not happy with it. It was too complicated, and I really needed to simplify. So it's going to need a little bit more time. Luckily, I had another post ready to go, and I hope you find it useful. 

A question I hear often is “how do you know when something is intuition?” I really LOVE this question because I have danced with it so often. I have ignored my intuition and I’ve heard it and chose differently. And sometimes I follow it, and those are my personal stories of magic. 
 
What the hell is intuition, how do we know when we’re experiencing it, and how do we know if it is worth following are all questions worth looking at and seeing how it applies to your own life. 
 
Have I told you about how I became a life coach? The only thing that really guided me was pure intuition, so I’m going to share this story with you in hopes of illustrating how it works for me.
 
I was working a job that I liked but no longer loved. I could tell my time was coming to an end in this position, but I had no idea what was next. So, I showed up and did my work. As I worked, I usually listened to podcasts. I kept hearing people say “I’m a Martha Beck certified life coach.” And then I heard a few interviews with Martha Beck. I’d never heard of this woman, and yet her name kept popping up and I liked what all these people were saying and I finally investigated it for myself. 
 
Turns out she ran a program to train life coaches and they were going to be starting a session in just three weeks. As I researched her approach to coaching, I found she was not only brilliant (she has THREE degrees from Harvard) and I loved her scientific approach to learning and helping others understand their thinking, but she worked with a touch of the magical (the stuff that can’t be explained) and a ton of fun and humor. I loved this woman. It’s how I want to be showing up in the world. 
 
But when I signed up for an information call to learn more about training, I hung up after 10 minutes. It felt non-committal. Everyone had one foot out the door. And when I looked at the life coach I had been working with for the last year I thought to myself “She’s so good at this, I could never do what she does.” 
 
And yet the thought about joining the life coach training program wouldn’t stop nagging me. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I sat in silence for a moment with the idea. I turned my mind to pay attention to my body. I got really still. I asked if I should join the program and waited for something. My whole body felt a rush of energy, like a literal oceanic wave moved through me. “Huh, that’s weird,” I thought. “Must be a coincidence. A chill from central air conditioning.” (I did live in a basement apartment, after all) So I asked the opposite question- “Should I not do life coach training?” My body closed. It felt like a tortoise shell was slapped on and I was closing in. I felt tight, uncomfortable, and small. 
 
I had never in my life experienced clear communication like this. I decided to listen. I don’t know WHY I decided to listen. But something seemed really clear to me that life coach training was my next step. It was a major leap of faith, and I decided to give it a go. I wasn’t sure that I was meant to be an actual life coach, but it was clear that I needed to be in this training.
 
That step changed everything in my life. Because of that training I have met friends that I hope to have for the rest of my life because their wisdom and insight have touched me so deeply and I hope to continue to support them. I noticed so many of my personal patterns that have held me back from living to the fullest. I’ve expanded as a woman and as a human, and I have gotten a great deal of life lessons in a short period of time. It is true what they say- when the student is ready the teacher appears. 
 
I’ve tried that exercise of sitting quietly with a question, and I have never felt the same exact way. I will get similar communication or sometimes it shows up silent. Sometimes I have to wait a while for a clear inspired next step. Intuition speaks its own language, which is nothing like what we use with words. It’s completely non-verbal and is usually extremely individualized.
 
Our intuition is a deep knowing that goes beyond logic. My logic would analyze the idea of a coaching program and it would look at the cost and it compared my abilities to another person. Beyond logic, there is a sense of knowing the unknowable. 
 
Our logical brain is only able to process a finite amount of information, and it processes it at a slower rate. Our body (especially our gut) can process information much faster. There are sensors all over the body that can process information and feed it back to us. Often our intuition is communicating to us through our bodies. Are you listening?
 
It could be the tightness you feel in your stomach or the ache in your back. It could be the way your heart beats faster or your palms sweat. I don’t believe in coincidences. Sometimes pain is telling you there is something physically wrong, sometimes it’s telling you a different kind of message that you need to receive. 
 
Here’s your assignment this week. Sit still. Get quiet. In your mind, hold an idea of a person, place, or thing that you know is bad for you. If you’re lactose intolerant, maybe you think about a big ice cream sundae. Or maybe you think about that elementary school teacher than made you feel awful about yourself. Pay attention to how your body is reacting when you think about this person. Take note of all the signals that are happening. 
 
Shake off that thought and those feelings. Let it go with a deep inhale and a big sighing exhale. Now think of someone, somewhere, or something that makes you incredibly happy. Notice what happens in your body. What changes do you notice? 
 
This is the beginning work to understand the signals you receive from your body. This is how you can start to establish the ways that your body is communicating. Pay attention when you get these signals, there is something your body wants you to know. Lean more into the things that give your body the same feelings as your happy thing, and stay away from the things that give your body the negative feelings. 
 
What came up for you doing this exercise? What signals did you get? Give yourself the gift of clarity and share them with me now. Hit reply and tell me your body signals, put them into words so your brain can begin to see and understand what your body already knows. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Are all of your buttons being pushed?

In the self-help world, a phrase that we hear a lot is “it’s not happening toyou, it’s happening foryou.” The intention of this phrase is to motivate you out of victim mode, where nothing is in your control because you are the victim to all these circumstances around you. The empowering behavior would be to see what is happening, and ask yourself what value can you create out of the circumstance? What good can come from this?
 
Sometimes the good means that you can grow into a bigger person. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned. Maybe you have the opportunity to try something new or different from how you’ve handled things in the past. Maybe you get to practice a lesson already learned. The options are infinite. 
 
I’m aware of this phrase when I’m in a deep conversation with my boyfriend and I’m getting heated, hearing him say with a laugh, “I’m bringing this up because it seems to hit a button for you.”
 
It just got me burning in all directions. Not only was he pushing my buttons to get me heated in conversation, but he was doing it on purpose because he was amused by how worked up I was getting. How this right or even fair? What the hell? 
 
I could look at the situation in a few different ways. I could blame him and say he’s an awful person for intentionally pushing my buttons and laughing at me. It’s not my problem, it’s his. I could take it so far as to say that I don’t want a relationship with someone that does that to me, makes me feel triggered, and pushes me past my levels of comfort and control. Or I could take responsibility for the fact that my reaction happened so fast, I didn’t even check myself to find out why I was so hot in the first place. 
 
Even though I don’t always catch myself in the moment, I can notice it later and examine what happened.  I look at the options I have around interacting with someone that triggers me this way. 
 
Before I was in a relationship, I was so comfortable being in my bubble. In my bubble I was in control of choosing the content I digested and interacted with, and also what I was willing to approach and work on. I was in total control, and I very rarely let something come in that pushed my buttons. I decided what I wanted to work on and how deeply I would engage with it. And I had some great progress this way. And there was a part of me asking "Wasn’t that enough?!" 
 
But being in a relationship pushes so many of my buttons that I was avoiding. The ones that have me look really honestly at my beliefs that might not be serving me, such as my insecurities. The way that I want to live my life involves me evolving into my best version of myself, which means I’m going to have to look at those insecurities and question if they are serving my highest good. 
 
I’m grateful for a relationship that is pushing my buttons. And I’m really grateful that he’s patient and sees my good qualities. Next week I will look at the steps I take to break down my triggers. 

For now, I want to challenge you to notice your reactions. If you have a big reaction to something someone says or does, notice what happens on your end. Is your reaction in line with what happened or is it bigger than needed? 

No work needs to be done, just notice. 

If you are having really big reactions, how can I support you? Whether you need someone to listen or if you need some suggestions for resources, I am here to help. Feel free to reach out, and I'm happy to help in whatever way would be useful. I'm here for you.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Do You Believe in Soulmates?

It's a big question. My short answer is that I do believe in soulmates. But I have my own definition for what a soulmate is, so this is going to be longer than a simple yes or no answer.

I believe a soulmate is contract between two souls to connect while on earth to have deep and meaningful spiritual growth. A soulmate relationship helps to bring a person to another level of evolution towards being a more loving being. 

Because this is how I see a soulmate relationship I believe a person will have multiple soulmates and they will not all necessarily be romantic.

When it comes to romance, I don't believe in "The One." I believe a person is The One because you declare that person to be the one you want to spend your life with, dedicate time and energy to, invest in their growth and commit to one another that you've mutually agreed upon. 

A soulmate relationship is not always puppies and sunshine and rainbows, because growth is often messy. It’s not necessarily a relationship that lasts an entire lifetime either, because a soulmate’s assignment is for growth and not for a set time period. Melissa Ambrosini said it beautifully when she said, “When you meet your soulmate there is no place to hide. They are your biggest mirror, your biggest spiritual assignment.” 

I've been growing a lot as a person recently, and part of that is thanks to my romantic relationship. While in relationship I am able to see a lot of my own behavior more clearly so that I can look to see if it is serving my highest good. And a lot of times my answer is "yes," and almost as often my answer is "no." When I feel out of alignment with the loving person I want to be, I get to look at my behavior, see where I am choosing something other than love and look for a new choice. 

I don’t know if my current relationship is a soulmate relationship, but I do know that it is a relationship that reflects back to me all the parts of myself that need some attention and are holding me back from being the best version of myself. 
 
It reminds me of our first date. We were sitting across a table from each other nervous as hell. For whatever reason, I decided to go full out on this date. I asked some deep, hard-hitting questions in hopes that we could get to know each other on a deeper level.  
 
We talked about what we were looking for in a relationship, and what we saw for ourselves long term. We also talked about deal-breakers, our needs and desires in a relationship as well as our  hopes and dreams for how we want to show up in the world. This conversation was some serious #adulting, because I'm not going to lie and say it was easy to always be honest with this conversation. 
 
He shared with me later that this conversation was really scary but he was willing to play along. On that first date, he said he learned more about me and us as a couple than he would have learned in three months. It helped us feel more connected because we saw where we were on the same page, and so many of the normal assumptions and questions rolling around in one’s head we laid out on the table. 
 
Because these questions were central to developing a partnership, I had to be really honest, too. A few times I caught myself wanting to say something to impress him or be agreeable. Or even worse, sometimes I caught myself editing what I was going to say because I was afraid of his reaction. When I leaned in and said the things I was afraid of, it let him reciprocate. It paved the way for more open and honest conversations since then. (And not all of them have been easy or happy)
 
Like I said, it’s a little early in my relationship to be using the word “soulmate” but I will say he pushes a lot of my buttons in a way that makes me inspired to be my best. It points out some of the things that triggers my worst self, and unfortunately he catches the brunt of that sometimes. Which just shows me where I still have healing to do. 

It's a process. And the process that can happen between two people is a beautiful thing. Sometimes we learn from happy moments, but most often we learn when things are hard. Having someone by your side as you do it helps. 
 
What I want to know now is if you believe in soulmates, and why or why not? Do you have your own working definition of a soulmate and what is it? Have you felt a soulmate connection before? 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

The struggles make us stronger

When you’re struggling the worst thing someone can say is “Don’t worry, this struggle is making you stronger.” It makes me want to punch something. All of those cliché sayings are really awful in the moment, even if they do contain some truth. 
 
It is really hard to see someone you care about struggle. We want to stop the suffering and take it away. We would rather carry the burden ourselves than see someone else carry it. 
 
Why is that?
 
I was listening to a podcast interview of the Iron Cowboy. He ran 50 Ironmans in 50 consecutive days in 50 states. Essentially he was biking, swimming, or running for 12 hours a day, traveling to another state, and getting about 4 hours of sleep a night. To say that he suffered some pain is probably the understatement of the century. 
 
I can barely push through a 6-mile workout or a bootcamp in 90 degree heat, and that makes me feel incredibly proud. How did he do it? How does an ordinary man break through his own self-imposed physical and mental limitations and shatter a Guinness World Record? How does someone push through pain when all the brain wants to do is end suffering and keep us alive? 
 
Pain is a signal that we need to address. It is a signal to ourselves that we are in need of something. Of course, what the brain logically wants to do is stop everything and stop the pain. I think this is what people in our lives are trying to do for us, too. They want the pain to stop, they want you to be happy as much as possible. 
 
But each of us knows when we have more to give. We know when there is a deeper depth of the well of strength where we can dig deep and give more. But we only reach that place when we push past the suffering. If we let our loved ones take away our pain, we never know how deep our well goes. 
 
Rock bottom is a gift. We must find our own strength to push and get back up. Suffering is a gift. It makes us reassess what is important and find new answers to problems we’ve been dealing with. It makes me think of the Einstein quote “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” 
 
If you are suffering right now, you have my deepest compassion. I’m here for you and I see you, friend. You are here in this suffering, and it’s real. When you’re ready to dig out, look deep. Find a new solution. Change your perspective. If you’ve always done things in one particular way, try something completely new and different. Put yourself in the shoes of someone you admire or imagine yourself in 10 years (they say we all get wiser with time, right?). What would that person do? 
 
If you are watching someone you care about suffer, you also have my compassion. Understand that your presence and support are the absolute best things you can offer. Tell your friend what I said above “I’m here for you. I see you, and I’m witnessing you.” Remain present. Put your phone away, turn off the part of your brain trying to speak in quotes and clichés. Just be in the moment with them. You are giving a wonderful gift by letting the other person build the muscle of self-sufficiency and personal strength and resilience. Your presence is also a gift. When we know that another person is willing to just be with us, not try to fix us or make life pretty, we feel released from a burden. Remove your fear that the other person isn’t strong enough. They have enough on their plate without including your doubt.

When in doubt, think of the chicken and the egg. Have you ever seen a chicken break through its shell? The process of pushing and struggling to break through the shell is how the chicken builds its strength to survive. If someone else were to break the shell for it, the chick would not survive. 
 
Life is tough. No one gets out alive. The best we can do is our best and love one another. We all have our own struggles that are in our path to make us stronger. 

Your turn. When was a time you were struggling and you realized after it was over that you were glad it happened the way it did?  Tell me your story in the comments below. I want to hear from you! 

Lots of love,
Sarah
 
 

"Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?"

Imposter Syndrome is real, y’all. Well, that’s a paradoxical statement because it’s not real but many of us suffer from it. And it’s time to get over it.

I ran into an acquaintance several months ago. When I told him what I was doing, he looked at me quizzically. “But you’re not married.” he said. I told him, “All the better. I know what it takes to date. I’m in the trenches. I’m having fun. My information is current, and no one is saying it better than I am.” He smiled and nodded.

I tried to save myself from imposter syndrome by telling myself “What does he know? He’s an old white man, so far from my ideal customer.” But the damage had already been done. “What the hell do you know? Who are you to be an expert on anything? Look at your life. If you knew what you were talking about, you would have everything figured out already. You should only teach once you have success in your life. Quiet down, retreat, let other people lead.”

That voice was so judgmental because I was dating but didn’t have a relationship. It was telling me I wasn’t enough because I was single and dating (never mind that I was having fun dating and exploring new relationships with people and different ways of getting to know someone new). It didn’t matter because I wasn’t valuable unless I was partnered.

Oh, that voice is so harsh. It hurts my heart writing it. But that is exactly what I was hearing. And I still hear it every once in a while. That question that really stings:

“Who the hell do you think you are to lead and teach?”

Do you have this voice? Is there some voice inside you that is way more knowledgeable and bossy telling me how you should show up in the world?

I talk to other coaches about this all the time. Those of us with good intentions, plenty of wisdom and life experiences, and clear vision are the ones that question ourselves the most. We are the ones that doubt and think that we should leave it to someone else. Because the other people are so loud, we are convinced they know what they’re doing.

Isn’t that a bit crazy? Just because someone is loud and insistent we believe we should listen? But that’s exactly what has happened.

Love him or hate him, President Trump is a perfect example of this. He had a vision of who he is and how he wants to contribute to the world and he committed to it 110%. He was loud and focused. And look what happened.

Can you imagine if those of us who have visions of a better, connected, loving world were that focused and committed? What would happen?

If you are reading this, I believe you are one of the people with a vision for a better way. Maybe you don’t know what that is yet, but you want to believe that there is a way that is more loving and filled with light. What would it take for you to be 110% committed, telling your story loud and proud, helping others to step up?

You know what? I’m in a fantastic relationship now and I don’t feel any worthier to lead. It’s because my worthiness does not come from my relationship status. It comes from inside me.

I have a lot to offer. I have a lot of life experiences, and a lot of wisdom learned through life practice and from studying.

And you know what else? I don’t have it all figured out. I never will. I’m not anyone’s guru. Like I said a few weeks ago, I will always guide you back to yourself as your own best guide. That’s what any good coach should be doing. But I will share with you what I’ve learned and what has helped me, in hopes that it helps you too. I want us all to shine. Because I have a vision of a world that is more connected, more loving, and more awakened.

Want to join me?

Your turn. What is your inner voice telling you you’re not good enough for? Do you need more schooling, more practice, more validation before you do that certain thing that your heart is yearning to do? Comment below and tell me what you want to do and what the inner voice says that is holding you back. Call yourself out and let me know.

Lots of love,

Sarah

Undoing years of bad advice to find Truth

In my twenties I thought something was really wrong with me. I had a job and I was doing a fine job paying my bills and maintaining a social life. But I was completely miserable. I couldn’t meet a guy that I was interested in dating. In truth, the guy I wanted to date wasn’t interested and I was desperate to get over the unrequited love thing.
 
Actually, the real real truth? I thought something was wrong with me when it came to dating and if I was better at it then he would love me back. I thought I was broken and needed to be fixed.
 
I sought dating advice from everywhere that I could get it for free. Books. Blogs. Magazines. Friends. Movies. A lot of re-watching Sex and the City. 
 
And let me tell you that there is a lot of really bad dating advice out there. A LOT. I distinctly remember reading my Cosmo in bed one night and realizing it was all bullshit aimed to make me feel bad so I would buy more stuff. The tips were lousy. There was nothing about connection. Nothing about communicating. I declared there and then I would never buy Cosmo again. And I’ve stuck to it. I think I’ve read a Cosmo four times in the last decade, mostly because I was bored. 
 
The advice is so bad, I was ashamed of letting people know I was reading this stuff. I had no problem talking about episodes of Sex and the City with my girlfriends and privately mining it for bits of wisdom (let me save you several hundred hours: there is almost NO dating wisdom in the entire series. Please don’t turn to SATC for dating tips). But the articles and the books I was reading were hidden. I even removed the book jackets from a few because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was reading “Bad Girls Finish First.” I was hopeless and didn’t know where to turn.
 
And while I am sure these resources are written with the best intentions to help women, they do a lot of extra damage. A lot of the messaging is that you’re not enough. You need to be more of something else. Be sexier. Workout more. Have more confidence.

Telling someone to have more confidence is the equivalent of telling someone in the middle of a panic attack to “Calm down. Relax.” It. Doesn’t. Work.
 
Advice like this isn't specific; it sends us to surface level solutions like changing our wardrobe instead of getting deep to look at how we see ourselves. But it doesn’t get deep down to the inner place where confidence really comes from.
 
Reading these books and articles didn’t make me a better dater, and it didn’t make the guy love me any more. If anything, it probably made him more confused why I was acting strangely. I would get overly sensitive about weird things, or excuse him for standing me up and tell myself I "evolved past feeling angry." 
 
It scrambled my brains so much that it took years to undo it. I had to unlearn all these well-intentioned tips that got into my subconscious and learn to trust myself over someone else. I was running in circles for so, so long that when I started to straighten myself out it took a long time to see any progress. It felt like I was broken for a long time.

But something deep down inside never gave up on me. It saw what was possible and kept pointing me to my own True North. I couldn't find True North by listening to anyone else. 
 
Why am I, a life coach, telling you to stop listening to other people’s advice and listen to yourself? Because listening to yourself is the only way I know how to get out of the mess we are in. We aren’t taught how to listen to ourselves. I would much rather you listen to your own guidance than for you to listen to me and my advice. I hope that my stories only show you the contrast between my experiences of listening to myself and not listening to myself.  

I want you to know you are your own best expert. I have plenty of ideas. theories, practices, and tips but at the end of the day you have to listen to yourself and do what's best for you. I will always guide you back to you. Even though I know sometimes the inner voice is the one that's hardest to listen to.

If you're having a hard time listening to yourself or knowing what to do, maybe it's time we talk. Did you know I offer a free 90 minute session to anyone curious about what coaching is all about? You get to test drive a coach (me!) and ask all your questions. If you want to see if this is a fit for you, click here and book your complimentary call now. 

When My Inner Voice Contradicted My Plans

Have you heard of Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map? If this is new to you, let me quickly explain. It’s working backwards from how we typically work. We often think we will feel good when we achieve our goals. We’ll feel loved when we get the boyfriend, or when we get the job promotion. And then we get the goal and don’t feel the way we want to feel. LaPorte teaches us to work backwards. Get clear on how you want to feel, and then do whatever you can to feel that way while moving towards your dreams. The more you feel your desired feelings, the better you will feel overall. LaPorte teaches a process to help people uncover their core desired feelings so you know what to focus on creating.
 
I reflect on my core desired feelings daily. What will I do today to feel the way I want to feel? I aim my actions towards my feelings and reconnect to them often so that I stay on track.
 
One of my core desired feelings is Deeply Connected. I want to feel deeply connected in my work and in my relationships. In order to feel deeply connected to others I must first feel deeply connected to myself. And to be completely honest, I forget to do this a lot.
 
Recently, I’ve been feeling a little flighty. Not committing to things and messing up appointments. Feeling like resting and laying down instead of working hard on my business. I haven’t even felt focused when reading. I started writing four different blog posts before I realized what I was really missing was my connection to myself.
 
And a voice inside myself said that I need to rest and be calm.
 
I argued back, “But I have a blog post to write! I have a commitment to consistency. Besides, I like writing! Can’t we do the thing we like to do?”
 
My deeply connected self said, “Yes, we like writing. But can we let the us off the hook this week? I need rest.”
 
I thought about this. “What would it look like to be let off the hook?”
 
“What if we make it short?”
 
“Hmmm, I can get behind this. Keep talking, deeply connected self. What would we write about that would still feel like rest?”
 
And there was no answer other than “This.”
 
Last week I talked about the voices in our head. Yes, we all have them. They all want to be heard, and they all have a message for you to hear. They really do have your best intentions at heart and are trying to keep you safe.
 
My deeply connected self still wanted to connect with you. It wanted to honor the commitment I made to myself, my business and to you because that’s important. But it’s also important to know what’s true and how to honor what’s true.
 
Right now, I’m needing some extra rest. That’s what it means to be deeply connected. To listen to the impulses that I’m getting from my body and to actually do what it’s asking.
 
What’s one thing you can do today to feel good? What does that look like for YOU? Comment below and tell me. Then I’m going to tell you to go do exactly that. Don’t wait, do it now.