What would you do if you had 24 hours to live?

It didn't even occur to me to cry. 

Today's blog is coming to you early! When writer Alexandra Franzensent a challenge to write a list about what we would do if we found out we had 24 hours to live, all I could think about was love and celebration. As I wrote my list, I noticed some tears because I was feeling so much love for the people that I wanted to spend time with. 

I wrote my list in a stream of consciousness. I didn't have to think about it, I just pictured what I would want. And when I read it back, it struck me that half of my list was about love. 

It was Love that comes in all shapes, sizes and forms, but still, love was all over the page. I wanted to make sure I expressed to people how much love I have for them, even to the people that I only knew for a short period of time. 

I started to wonder about why we wait so long to tell people that we care. Why do we wait until something bad happens to say, "I love you, you're important to me." 

I don't have a good answer. Maybe we're afraid of being rejected because the other person doesn't feel the same. But does that really matter? If we feel love and we wish to express it and give it freely it does not matter what comes back. The flow of love is so pure that it does not require an exchange. If I feel love towards you, it is not conditional on whether or not you love me. I feel it, and that doesn't change if you don't feel it. 

So the idea of rejection doesn't work as an excuse to not express love.

Maybe we hold back expressing ourselves because we are afraid to get hurt. Saying our true feelings is very vulnerable. It's baring our naked soul and saying this is me, see me. There is no armor to protect, you now have access to something very soft and tender and you can do great harm if you choose. 

Maybe that's part of it. Vulnerability is scary. Especially for those of us when we've had our vulnerability used against us in the past. (And honestly, who hasn't?) It could be as simple as telling your best friend who you had a crush on and then she told someone who told your crush. Oh, the embarrassment! I think we all know what it's like to be completely vulnerable and someone takes advantage of the situation and it causes you great pain. 

But we have also had the moments of being seen when we are completely vulnerable. The moments when the armor comes down and we allow ourselves to be really seen by another person, and then we feel truly accepted maybe for the first time ever. That moment and that feeling is worth risking being hurt. It is the feeling of deepest connection. You could almost say it is a holy moment, a miracle. 

Maybe I would be willing to risk all this in my final 24 hours because how can anyone possibly hurt a dying girl? My time is limited already, so I might as well lay it all on the line! You can't hurt me anymore because I already know how this is going to end! 

What would it be like if we didn't wait? What if we told one person today how we really feel? What if we did one thing that we really wanted to do, no matter what anyone else thinks? What would be your thing? 

Part of Alex's challenge was to spark conversation. What would you do if you had 24 hours to live? And I'm sharing my list with you below, and I want to know what's on your list? Comment below and tell me. Or forward this email to someone and tell them how you feel. 

Sending you lots of love, and I mean it.

Sarah

PS. What would be on your list? 

PPS. If you’re looking for a new book to read, you can order Alex's new book So This Is the End here: http://bit.ly/so-this-is-the-end
———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Five Steps to Stop Beating Yourself Up

We sabotage ourselves in so many ways that we feel the barriers between us and true self love. And the biggest way we sabotage ourselves is through our thoughts. 
 
There’s a story I heard about the Dalai Lama and the idea of self-hatred. At a conference, an attendee asked His Holiness about the concept of self-hatred and how it plagues people who live in the West. The Dalai Lama was so confused by the concept that he went back and forth with his translator several times, trying to understand. He asked questions to the audience such as does everyone understand this and why would you do that? Eventually he concluded that he thought he understood the mind and now this concept was so foreign that he felt ignorant. 
 
My takeaway is that the concept of hating the self is conditioned, we are not born this way as a human. If we were, each human would be able to relate to it as a universal feeling. Universal feelings are those such as love, sadness, fear. If self-hatred was universal the Dalai Lama would know what it is.
 
Self-hatred takes many forms. Last week, I encouraged you to look at your self-talk and track your positive and negative comments to yourself. Negative self- talk is one of the most common ways we express dislike for ourselves. We beat ourselves up for making mistakes or not being enough. Anything that is learned can be unlearned. There is hope. 
 
Today I want to show you how to stop beating yourself up. Let’s take it step by step. Let’s say that you accidentally hit another car in the parking lot. 
 
Your self-talk might sound something like this, “I am such an idiot. I’m a terrible driver. I am such a mess-up. I’ve ruined my car, their car, and my entire day. This is just awful. How could I be such a garbage person?” 
 
The first step to stop beating yourself up is to:
1.Notice you’re doing it.
 
You can’t stop something if you don’t even know you’re doing it. You have to be aware enough of your thoughts to know what the soundtrack is. What thoughts are running around in your brain? (This is why I had you do the homework last week!) Take note of what they are. 
 
Your first reaction might be to beat yourself up for negative thoughts. This is just going to be a downward spiral. Instead of labeling the thoughts as bad, wrong, or even negative, I would encourage you to just notice. It looks like this: “I’m thinking the thought that…”
 
By labeling your thought as a thought, you create some distance. The next step is: 
 
2.Tell someone.
 
The power of your negative thinking lessens when you say it out loud to a compassionate witness. The key here is that is must be a compassionate witness. They are NOT going to solve the problem. Instruct this person that their only responsibility is to say something like “I hear you.” And it must be someone you trust and feel comfortable with. You’re going to tell the person that you’re beating yourself up and share the thoughts you’re thinking. If they can help you laugh at yourself, even better. 
 
You can do the next step with the person or you can do it alone. 
 
3.Find proof of the opposite. 
 
If you are thinking you’re a terrible person, how could the opposite be true? If you’re a terrible person, how could it be true that you’re not a terrible person? Is there one place in your life where you’re not terrible? All you need is one example to get yourself started and soon you will find two, then three, and more examples. By giving yourself examples of how the opposite is true, you begin to believe your thoughts less and they carry less weight. 
 
Next, you’re going to set your thinking for something more positive and you’re going to: 
 
4.Express gratitude.
 
I know gratitude has been the buzz word for a little while now, and it is because it works. Gratitude shifts your thinking. Maybe you are simply grateful that at least you have a car to be driving to and from your errands, even if you did make a mistake. Maybe you’re grateful for your capable body or eyesight that is able to drive. You’re grateful no one got hurt. Let yourself really feel the gratitude. It doesn’t count if you’re saying it from gritted teeth and you’re only doing it because I say so. Really feel thankful. 
 
And after gratitude we are going to alter your thinking a little bit with the final step.
 
5.Give yourself a replacement phrase and an anchor. 
 
What can you be thinking instead of your self-hatred thoughts? “I’m glad no one got hurt.” Find a new thought that is not going to make you feel awful. And I encourage you to give yourself a physical anchor so that it can trigger thinking the new thought. An anchor is something physical that you can see or touch that will be a physical reminder. The old way of thinking is a habit, and it takes some focused energy to replace a habit. It could be a piece of jewelry or something in your car that you see and touch like the gear shift. Whenever you see or touch your new anchor, say your new replacement thought. If you catch yourself beating yourself up, touch the anchor and say your new thought. 
 
This is a process, especially if you’ve been practicing some self hatred for a period of time. Just like we learned this, it can be unlearned. With practice, consciousness and discipline, it can change. 

Cracking the Confidence Code

I’m really interested in talking more about self-love these days. But that topic is so vague and so large that I really want to dissect it. What the heck is self-love anyway? Why does it matter? Why is it so cheesy? 
 
You know what they say: “To know me is to love me.” So I started to get to know myself better. I observed my reactions and throughs and behaviors. And the more I knew, the more self love I felt. And I noticed as my love for myself grew, my confidence also grew.

I think confidence is the outward expression of our own self love. Let's crack confidence wide open.
 
A lot of people that know me think I am a really confident person. And in a lot of ways, I am. But before I go into that too deeply, let’s look at the different types of confidence. 
 
There is the surface level or confidence which is derived from the things you HAVE. This is all about the clothes, cars, shoes, makeup, home… etc. It can go so far as to say that you can also include things like having children, lots of friends or a happy relationship in this category. It can be easy to get a boost in confidence from having these things, but it never lasts long. It’s not real, it’s just surface and therefore the good feelings are also very surface level.
 
The next level of confidence is derived from the things you DO. This is all about the things you do that get you praise. Straight As in school, working hard at your job and getting employee of the month, awards, praise, recognition. This stuff can feel really good because we usually work really hard for it. We as a society really value hard work and good work ethics, so naturally we derive some confidence from it. Again, this is all outside of ourselves and to an extent we can’t really control it. Praise can be unpredictable and can go away at a moment's notice. 

It also assumes that you have to do things to be of value. Which is simply not true. These things we do can give a boost of confidence from the things that we do, but it’s only going to be temporary. 
 
The deepest phase of confidence is from who we ARE. This is the phase where you can say to know me is to love me. When we know, accept, and love who we are we show up with natural confidence. We are naturally embracing all the parts of the self and we are ok with all of it. This kind of confidence is rock solid, because it requires nothing of anyone outside of the self. You are in complete control of this kind of confidence. This is how you know that no matter what you will be ok. Lose your job? Get dumped? Win the lottery and lose it all? It is all going to be OK because you know that deep down you have your own back. 

There is really nothing more important than this. Getting to a place where you feel rock solid in this third level of confidence is a journey that I believe each human being is called to take. I believe this is the core of having solid relationships with other people. 

This was the confidence I was lacking. I had a shaky belief in myself and I didn't really have my own back. I would bend over backwards to keep promises to others, but broke them with myself at a moment's notice. I didn't really know who I am as a person, what I bring to the table or what my shortcomings are. 

When we lack this level of self-confidence it seeps into other areas of our lives. Our relationships feel a little unsatisfying. Our job doesn't quite fit. It seems like there's something more. 
 
No one teaches this stuff. It isn’t learned in school or at home. We have to create our own life curriculum to learn it, and that’s why I think it is so important for me to be teaching it. I’m going to dive into the topic of confidence and self-love. I want to help you get what you need to have incredible success in relationships and life, and I think this is the key.  Will you join me? 
 
If you’re in, I have some homework for you. Because if you’ve worked with me, you know I loooooove homework. I want you to observe the way you talk to yourself for one day. Get a piece of paper and fold it in half long ways, and keep this handy all day. In one column I want you to tally any time you say something nice about yourself, like “I feel great,” “I’m thankful for…” “I look good,” or “That was a smart thing to say,” etc. You don’t have to keep track of what you say, just tally when you do it. In the other column I want you to make a tally for anything negative that you say to yourself, which might sound like, “That was a stupid thing to do,” “ugh, look at the way my stomach sticks out,” “I am always late to everything,” “I’m a failure,” etc. Just track your thoughts for one day and see which column has more tallies. I’ll be talking more about this next week. 

Lots of love! 

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

The Disease to Please

Walking on eggshells. 

Holding back my true thoughts and feelings and slapping on a smile instead. 

Losing sleep over trying to craft the perfect thing to say.

These are some of the ways I have been a life-long people pleaser. I made it my duty to make other people happy, even if it was to my own detriment. I thought I was doing other people a favor because I thought the worst thing was to disappoint people.  

I made it my job to keep other people happy and I completely disregarded what I wanted. I was full of so much guilt or for messing up. Even worse was if I disappointed someone. Then I would feel resentment for the other person and towards myself for putting myself in a situation that didn’t make me feel happy. 

People pleasing is such a slippery slope. This is especially challenging for women because we are socialized and taught to please others. It is modeled for us by the elder women in our families. We see our mothers sacrificing for the good of the family time and again and it becomes ingrained that the definition of a good woman is one who gives everything to everyone else. And if someone takes time for themselves then they are selfish and that’s bad. Don’t even get me started with how our standards of beauty are all about being pleasing to another person’s eyes rather than what is pleasing to our own eye. The concept of beauty is rarely about what I think is beautiful and more about what other people will think is beautiful.

It’s tricky work to break out of the cycle of people pleasing. But the rewards are great.

When we stop people pleasing we stop manipulating others. Yeah, I said it. People pleasing is downright manipulative. Our efforts to control our environment and make others behave in certain ways is actually an effort to control and manipulate them. I bet your first instinct is to say that you’re trying to make other people happy, so that isn’t manipulative. But look at the sentence again. You’re trying to make other people feel a certain way. It’s robbing them of the ability to have their own natural feelings and reactions. Not only are you not being authentic because you’re trying to behave in a pleasing manner, but you’re subconsciously communicating that it’s not ok for other people to be authentic either.

When we stop people pleasing, we also increase our own confidence. When we start communicating what is true to our own self, it sends a message that your feelings and preferences matter which builds your self-esteem. To reclaim a phrase from the beauty industry, you deserve to speak your mind “Because YOU”RE WORTH IT.”

How does a person actually STOP people pleasing, you may ask?

Like with everything, it’s not going to magically change overnight. I encourage small shifts in one area, and then build from there. So, I encourage you to look at just one relationship where you notice a lot of people pleasing. Maybe it’s with your best friend when you’re always driving to her neck of the woods to hang out and you want her to come to you for once. Maybe it’s with your coworker who keeps giving you more and more work, even though you are drowning in stress. Maybe it’s your neighbor that keeps blowing his raked leaves into your yard and you never say anything. 

The first step is to notice when it happens. When are you acting in a way that you think will make others happy, but actually feels bad to you? At first, you’re only going to notice when it’s happened in the past. When you notice, it’s important to simply notice without any judgement of it being right or wrong. Simply say “oh look, I did that people-pleasing thing.” I like to imagine having a feather duster and just dusting the event lightly. It’s completely neutral. 

When you start to catch yourself in the moment acting in a way that is people-pleasing, give yourself a pause. Having a phrase handy, like “Can I think about it and get back to you?” is really helpful in this situation. You want to build in a moment to reflect and assess how you really feel, because you want to make a conscious choice away from the habit of pleasing others. 

When you come back to the other person, state your preference and say how you feel. Remember “No” is a complete sentence and it doesn’t need a reason. If it helps you, you can say “No but thank you for thinking of me,” or “This is a no for me at this time,” or “This isn’t a good fit for me and my needs.” You can also try phrasing like “Can I make a simple request?” and then you can state what it is that you need. 

Know that this might bring up some feelings of discomfort for you and for the other person, especially if they are used to you always saying yes. And feeling discomfort is OK! If you were lifting weights in the gym and it never felt hard, you’d never get stronger. This is you getting stronger, so discomfort is part of the process. And then let go of the other person’s reaction. Their feelings are not your responsibility, that responsibility belongs to the other person. You are only responsible for your own reactions. 

Now it’s your turn. What is one relationship you have where you have the Disease to Please? What is one thing you will do this week to shift the focus back to meeting your own needs? Share in the comments below or send me a message. I look forward to hearing from you! 

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

F*ck Perfectionism

Can I really say that?

There is a part of me that wants only to show the good stuff. That I won’t be loved or accepted if I make mistakes. And so, I hide. I show the happy photos on Instagram, I don’t talk about what my struggles are.

It’s too scary. 

It’s too scary to say out loud that I worry that this whole coaching thing won’t work. Or that I thought I had my finances all figured out, but I’m starting all over with that again and maybe I’m an idiot for having debt. And I’m terrified to talk about what it’s really like to be in my head while I’m trying to figure out how to be the perfect girlfriend. 

It’s really exhausting. It’s a lot of time spinning my wheels and not going anywhere. And instead of taking action, I spend my time worrying that I’ll never meet my goals or, even worse, that I’m not even worthy of the things I want. 

It is really scary to put myself out there in a way that is honest and authentic. It makes me want to cry, that’s how afraid I am. We as humans are really good at adapting ways to avoid feeling pain. And one of those ways is that we change who we are to fit in. 

I’m here to tell you that is a myth. (And even though I know it is a myth, I still believe it sometimes because #iamhuman.)

Perfectionism is a thief. Look at all those things that I spend my time worrying about. Love, acceptance, money, purpose, fulfillment. Perfectionism says that I don’t have these things because I’m not perfect enough yet. Perfectionism says, “You’re not perfect enough so you don’t have it. So be perfect and then you can have it.” The line that defines what perfect is, however, is a floating line that is always moving. It will always feel like I’m not there yet. And that is really bad logic.

The root of perfectionism is trying to control how you are seen by other people. Which is also impossible. One person may love you and another may hate you. If you are living for other people, which one is right? And how can you possibly control what other people think? (believe me, I have tried for many years to be exactly what I thought my romantic interest wanted me to be. It’s a waste of precious time. Unless you are trying to become a contortionist.)

So, if I show up and I’m real, with scars and mistakes and messes, what happens? I feel lighter because I’m not carrying the burden of playing a smoke and mirrors game. I can think more clearly because I’m not trying to think about what other people think of me and how I appear. I’m free. I’m free to focus on what is actually in my life and what I can control. 

It reminds me of the quote from The Velveteen Rabbit: “…Because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” 

And that resonates with me because when we let our real selves be seen by others we are loved. And the ones that don’t matter really don’t matter anymore because we are so filled with love for the ones that do matter. 

And at the end of the day What other people think about me is none of my business. My business is what I think about me.And that’s all that matters. 

Perfectionism drops away when we introduce compassion. Compassion looks like telling yourself that you’re doing the best you can. That you ARE good enough. That you accept and like your life as it is. It’s real. 

I’m done with living for other people. I’m here to be real even though it’s scary. I’m still going to post happy pictures online. But somedays I might ask for some help and support when things feel hard. I might share that something didn’t work out, that I failed, that I am struggling. And this is all ok. What matters the most is that I’m bringing my own compassion and taking care of myself and letting myself be completely seen. 

Your turn. What is your big takeaway today? What really resonated with you that you want to keep thinking for the rest of the week? Go to the comments and tell me or hope into Instagram or Facebook and share in the comments! And then tag a friend or forward this post if you think they could use some F*ck Perfectionism inspiration. 

Sending you lots of love.

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

What's Your Brand of Badassery?

Badassery, as defined by Shonda Rhimes in her book A Year of Yes:
 “BADASSERY: 1. (noun) the practice of knowing one’s own accomplishments and gifts, accepting one’s own accomplishments and gifts and celebrating one’s own accomplishments and gifts; 2. (noun) the practice of living life with swagger : SWAGGER (noun or verb) a state of being that involves loving oneself, waking up “like this” and not giving a crap what anyone else thinks about you. Term first coined by William Shakespeare.” 
 
 
I remember the first time I was listening to Shonda Rhimes read her book A Year of Yes. It was one of my first purchases from Audible, and I used to listen while I walked the path alongside a creek where I lived. I remember her talking about badassery and I thought “I want some of that.”
 
I wanted some of that because I thought I didn’t have any. I thought I lacked all swagger and anything that had to do with badass-ness. 
 
I was at a low point for myself personally. I was working a job I liked, but didn’t love. I knew there was more out there for me, but I didn’t know what I wanted to be doing. I was in an on again-off again relationship and kept thinking that he was so great when we were together, but why was I so unsatisfied? Was this as good as it gets? 
 
I wanted to feel powerful. Like I could create things and scale mountains. I wanted to see other countries and places I’ve never been. I wanted to feel like I was in control of my life and I was creating what I wanted it to look like. I wanted to be the girl that DID things, ACCOMPLISHED things, loved deeply and was loved by others. I wanted so much more than what I was getting in my life. 
 
Instead I felt like I was just a plastic bag in the wind, blowing around American Beauty- style. I felt like I was aimless but I didn’t even know where I wanted to aim myself. So where do I even start, and what’s the point?


“If you don’t know where you’re going any road will get you there,” said the Caterpillar to Alice in Alice in Wonderland. I saw this as a death sentence. “I don’t want ANY road, I want the right road!”
 
If you’ve been in this place, you know there are a few ways out. You can make some choices that make things worse. You can sink into feeling bad and find things that numb the pain. Maybe you binge watch TV, you eat or drink too much, or you start experimenting with anything that brings you a hit of pleasure or a feeling of being ok. Busyness sometimes happens in this phase because doing a lot of things to distract yourself still feels like doing things! 
 
If you go down this road, it can be a while before you see a problem and get out. For me, I had things like “A Year of Yes” show up in my life and I kept having these feelings like I’m supposed to be doing more than just this. There was more than drinking a glass of wine every night and watching TV to ignore that I wasn’t feeling good. There was more to life. 
 
Yes, there is. 
 
And the clues to get out are found in the definition of badassery. Did you catch it?
 
It’s about knowing, accepting, and celebrating your accomplishments and gifts. Mary Oliver said “Instructions to live a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.” 
 
And that’s what you do to get out of a funk. You need to start paying attention. What comes naturally to you? What do you enjoy? What makes you feel curious? Start doing those things more.
 
As you do those things, keep paying attention and allow yourself to be astonished. Not underwhelmed. Not humble. Not ignorant. Astonished. And then share that with others. Tell your loved ones. Tell the people you lead and manage. Tell your neighbors, your social media followers, who ever will listen.
 
When we share our joy we are celebrating our badassery. And in doing so you may inspire others to do the same. Your joy sparks someone else’s and gives them the permission to enjoy the joy. 
 
We need more people in their badassery. The world depends on it. Start with yourself today. I give you full permission to start paying attention in your own life to the things that feel good to you and then to do them more. 
 
Does it sound simple? Good. Then you have no excuses. It may not be easy, but that’s ok. We just need to follow the joy, and let it be simple. 
 
What comes up for you when I say that you should pay attention to what you’re good at? What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What do you do with ease? 

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Do you find it difficult to enjoy the good times?

You made it to Phase Four! It’s the end of the change cycle, and you made it to the butterfly phase. The last few weeks I’ve been talking about the challenges during the change cycle (you can catch up on past posts here). After all that hard work to get here, we just soar away into the sunset, right? 
 
But for most people, it doesn’t feel like soaring. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or maybe it feels like massive disappointment or even a hangover. After so much struggle, arriving to the desired destination and celebrating that, we end up feeling exhausted and icky. I don’t know about you, but that’s not what I signed up for. 

If you feel this way after getting what you want, you're not alone. You're so not alone, there is a term for what's going on. It's called hitting your upper limit. You hit your limit for happiness and goodness. 
 
Gay Hendricks wrote in his book The Big Leap that your Upper Limit Problem is defined as “when you attain higher levels of success, you often create personal dramas in your life that cloud your world with unhappiness and prevent you from enjoying your enhanced success.” 
 
In other words, when you finally have the love, money, or success you’ve been working for, we create some kind of drama, ill health, unhappiness or some other block that gets in the way of truly enjoying the fruits of our labor. 
 
Feels like a cruel joke, doesn’t it? 
 
I rarely simply enjoy my good fortune. Something always has to be wrong. 
 
Hendricks believes this happens because there is an internal struggle of worthiness inside each of us. Each human being has a personal struggle with their own worth. And often when we have good things, we think we don’t deserve them.
 
Arriving at Phase Four is like riding your bike up a really big hill. To get there, you pedal hard until you finally reach the top. Your reward for all that work is that you can just coast down the other side.  
 
That period of time when you are coasting down a hill can be spent enjoying the ride or bracing for impact. Impact is inevitably going to happen and bracing for it doesn’t really change anything other than your lack of enjoyment of the ride. 
 
What if I told you it is as simple as letting go of your fear of what’s to come and be willing to enjoy what it is right now? Sounds too easy, right? 
 
The funny thing is that it really is that easy, but our brain wants to make it really complicated. It’s not complicated. 
 
Let me ask you this: Are you willing to be happy? If your answer is yes, that’s all that matters. Whatever is in your way is not as important as your willingness to be happy, so you can set it down right now. You don’t need that in order to get what you want: happiness.
 
I can almost hear your brain right now resisting this idea. It is so committed to being right that things have to be hard and dramatic that it doesn’t want to even see the easy answer. I know this about you because my brain does the same thing ALL the time. 
 
If happiness is what is important to you, take a deep breath. Then let it go. And with it, let go of all the extra weight standing between you and what you want. Just let it go, and let it be easy. 
 
When you feel yourself putting up a fight again (and believe me, it’s going to happen more than once) just notice what’s happening. We get to continually make this choice if we want to be happy. 
 
If this topic is really of interest to you, I highly recommend the book The Big Leap. It was a quick read, and one that I will return to time and again. I learned a lot about myself and my choices. 
 
Where have you had some success, but it still feels hard? Do you have a sense that you’re getting in your own way somewhere? Where can you say, “I am willing to be happy” and let the rest go? 

Comment below and share what's going on with you. I promise you are not alone. 

Lots of love,
Sarah

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

I am SO not perfect (and that's ok)

My goal in writing this series about change to help you become more resilient and graceful through change while giving you permission to discover your best self.  I know I want to live a life that excites me, and if I can help you to do the same then I feel like I've done a good job.

I'm looking at change. What does change do to us as individuals? How do we navigate it? How do we make it work and bust through so we become stronger? 

I agree with Martha Beck's teachings that change goes through phases. Much like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, there are steps and similar parts of the process for each individual, even though it will never be exactly the same. I wrote about Phases One and Two already, and you can go here to get a refresher if you'd like. 

I really don't like Phase Three. I am impatient and I want results now.  I don't mind hard work, but I want to know that it's going to pay off! And I don't want to wait or have too many challenges. A few challenges are ok, but not too many. 

I'm not a great judge about how much I can handle. When I am working out without a trainer, I back off early because I'm afraid of getting hurt. When I'm pursuing a new career, I quit when it gets tough because I think that maybe I'm "not cut out for this."

Martha Beck taught us that Phase Three has a slogan: "This is harder than I thought it would be, and that's ok." There is something really freeing about telling it like it is. First, this is freakin' hard. And second, that's ok. It's really ok for something to be hard.

Earlier this year, I created an entire business plan. I thought I was going to launch online programs and teach people around the world. I hired a coach. I bought software. I paid for advertising. I worked my butt off to write copy, design a course, film it and create useful free resources that would help people wherever they were in their journey. It was a lot of work. 

Work doesn't scare me. Spending money doesn't even scare me if I've done my homework. I was so sure I was making investments in myself and my business to get me to the next step. 

Let's just say my business plan isn't going according to plan this year. I was trying to leap way down the road and skip a bunch of steps. I was leaping way down the road. I simply wasn't ready for that and I fell on my face.

This time I know that this phase is hard and it's ok. I know that hard is part of the course, so I can stick it out. It's not failure ,it's feedback. I looked at why that didn't work this time. What can I learn? What can I do better? 

Failure isn't a problem. It's just information. It's not easy, let me be clear. I don't like that I invested all that money into something that didn't sell (yet). I spent money that I probably didn't need to, and won't need to until my business grows a bit more. But when I get there, at least I will have the software and knowledge that I need. Plus the confidence of having done a course once already. 

Where in your life are you struggling? Where is it hard? Or where are you so afraid of failure that you aren't even trying? 

Don't let "hard" or "failure" scare you. Don't let it stop you from trying something. You have people around you that will help you stand back up. You are stronger than you think. You just need to stand back up and take another step.

Sometimes I need someone to push me a little past my comfort zone and discover just how strong I really am. And I'm going to push you a little. Go a little bit further. Get up from a knockdown one more time. Push. I know it's hard, but push through. You're going to be ok. 

Let's do this.

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

If you could design your future, what would it look like?

Last week I talked about the first phase of change. I call it caterpillar soup, because when I’m in that place I feel like mush. You can revisit last week’s post here. 
 
This phase can sometimes feel never ending. But I promise you, just like winter moves into spring, everyone moves out of phase one. There are some common early signs when someone is moving from the first phase to the second. A person will suddenly look around at life and feel like nothing “fits” anymore. There may be a desire to change appearances like get a new haircut or completely redo your wardrobe. Maybe the person is suddenly interested in new hobbies that have never sparked any interest before. These are the beginning urges of phase two.
 
We are in the beginning phases of rebirth. But rebirth into what, you may ask? A caterpillar biologically knows in its cells that it is going to transition into a butterfly. Those pieces start coming together and atoms start shifting and aligning into this new form. And that’s precisely what needs to happen to you in phase two, dear one.
 
Phase two is all about dreaming about what your new life will be and then laying down the plans to get there. 
 
One of my favorite tools in my coaching practice is what Martha Beck calls “Ideal Day.” In this tool, the coach will guide the client into a meditative state. From this place, they project their brain 3-5 years into the future. They imagine waking up on their ideal ordinary day. It’s not a holiday or a vacation, it’s just a regular ol’ day. The coach guides the client to see the day unfold before them, describing details using the five senses so that they can fully picture themselves there. What are they doing? What do they see? What colors? What can they touch and feel? Is there anything to smell? You get the idea. The coach will take the client through the day until the end. 
 
When I do this exercise as the coach, I read back what my client described so that she/he can hear what really resonates. This is our opportunity to pull out the important visuals and moments so we can anchor that into the brain in reality now. What images were really clear? What do you really want to happen?
 
My role as a coach is to help connect those images into action steps to help you get what you want in the future. Maybe I encourage them to make a vision board so that it something they can see on a regular basis. Maybe I have them set aside a time each day to reflect on these images and feel what it was like during our coaching session. 
 
In addition to using visualization, I am often encouraging my clients to play and experiment in real life. When was the last time you had an urge to do something but decided not to because you were worried you wouldn’t be good enough or that you’d look ridiculous or that you’d fail? 
 
This is how Elizabeth Gilbert found her way back to writing novels after Eat Pray Loveand the follow up Committed. She was plagued by the fear of failing after the success of Eat Pray Love, but she wanted to garden. She wanted her hands in the dirt. So, she did. Before you knew it, she was studying botany and the spark of her novel The Signature of All Thingswas born. 
 
If you are in the place where you are coming out of feeling like caterpillar soup and you’re starting to wonder what’s next, I invite you to play. What feels like fun? What seems to be calling you right now? Don’t judge it, just listen to your urge and play with the idea. 
 
I don’t know what will come out of play for you. The only way to know is to try. And let yourself engage, and give yourself permission to change, if that’s what’s going to happen. You’ve already gone through a big change, the worst is over! Now you get to play and explore. 
 
What would feel like play today? Comment below and let me know! Now is the time to take the things that feel like fun to you and flirt with it a little bit. Find a class or a buddy that would come with you to try something new. What kind of play can you get into this week? I encourage you to schedule a time before Sunday dedicated to playing with an urge that you have. 

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Change can seem scary, but it doesn't have to be

If you want to feel more resilient when navigating change, knowing what is coming your way will build your confidence and ability to feel like you can "bounce back" from any curve ball thrown your way. 

I'm going to be writing about the change process. Understanding and embracing the different parts of this process was a big Ah-Ha moment for me during life coach training. It gives me the acceptance I need to keep taking action and to stay the course. Just like every winter we know there will eventually be a spring, I can stick out through the trials and tribulations because I know something is coming eventually. 

Change is a process, it goes through phases. At any given moment we are in some part of this process. It doesn’t always move in a linear way, but most of the time it will follow this order. There is no set duration for how long each time period lasts, but each phase has its own distinct characteristics and those remain mostly the same every time you go through it. These parts are commonalities for most people. 
 
I'm going to guide you through the parts of the change cycle to help you identify where you are right now, and how to move through that period. Simply identifying where you are in this process will help you deal with change. If you know where you are and you accept the characteristics of that phase, you have actually accomplished a lot! This change cycle is how it was presented to us in life coach training by Martha Beck. 
 
Think about change like the life cycle of a caterpillar. It is completely natural for the caterpillar to change into a butterfly. It doesn’t have to think about the process, it just happens. It’s also out of the caterpillar’s control. There is nothing it can do to slow down or change the process. It just happens.
 
The first step is the caterpillar going into its cocoon. In our lives, there is usually an inciting incident that triggers the first step of the change process. We are normally living our lives, enjoying what is, and suddenly we are thrown into change. The incident could be getting fired from your job (or quitting), a breakup, a move, having a baby, etc. Something has happened and it changed how we once lived our lives. 
 
Did you know that when a caterpillar goes into its cocoon it dissolves? Its entire molecular structure must dissolve and fall apart so that it can become something else. The old must die in order for there to be a rebirth of the new. This is true for caterpillars and it is true for humans. 
 
Yes, it is really scary to hear that we must "die" in order to change. It’s scary because we don’t know what is on the other side. We don’t even know what “Death” looks like. You might be asking, “How do I know if I really died? How do I know that I let go of everything from the old? If I let go of everything, can I speed this up? I’m really freakin’ uncomfortable.” 
 
These questions are all normal because you are literally in a meltdown. We feel like our future is uncertain and that our life is completely out of control. Nothing feels “right.” We try to resist the meltdown by pushing the feelings away or rush into some other form of what used to be normal (this is the classic “rebound relationship”).

But the only way out is to go through. Allow this part to happen, let the old self melt away. Trust that the new is coming, and that it is coming in its own perfect timing. 
 
Everyone always wants to know what they can “do” during this phase. I am using quotations because there isn’t much to do. It’s an internal change, and I understand the compulsion to do something to help the process or to make it less uncomfortable.  
 
Well, my sweet darlings, there is really not much to do. Accept where you’re at and focus on what is right in front of you. You’re going to live one day at a time. And when one day feels hard, you are just going to focus on the next 10 minutes. Are you safe right now? What do you need to do for the next 10 minutes to be ok? 
 
If you’re in the meltdown phase, I highly encourage you to take care of yourself. Nurture yourself like you are your own parent and you’re having a really bad sick day. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket, make some soup or tea. Get extra sleep and drink more water. Take a long bath. Let yourself have a grieving period. It is a death, after all. Give yourself time to mourn what was (and what will never be if you need to let go of a vision of what you thought you were going to be).
 
Grieving is natural. Anything that you’re feeling during this time is natural- anger, sadness, denial, avoidance, fear and more. Notice those feelings and let yourself have them. If you let yourself actually feel the feeling without repressing it the feeling will last less than 60 seconds. If you let it just move through, it will pass. Have you ever seen a baby go from happy to sad and back to happy all within 5 minutes? It’s because that’s how we experience feelings without attaching stories to them. Let yourself have the feelings and let them move through without attaching to the story of what it means. Let it go. 
 
Trust the process, my friend. There isn’t anything you need to do. It’s all going to happen without you controlling it. I also recommend not bracing yourself for impact. Take some deep breaths, and allow. You don’t have anything you need to do in this moment except take care of yourself. 
 
I promise you that even though it feels scary and hard right now, everything is going to be ok. 

If this doesn't sound like where you are right now in your life, don't worry. I will be going through the other three parts of the change cycle in the coming weeks! Stay tuned.  

Do you know someone that was recently thrust into the throes of the change cycle? Someone that maybe went through a breakup, a new job, or a new home? Maybe they are smiling through it, but you have a hunch that maybe they just need to hear that what they're going through is completely normal. Please share this email with them. Forward it and share the love. 

———

Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.