The Lost Art of Connection

I have one client who I will call J, and she is always telling me how much she hates the dating apps. “I spend all this time reading profiles, swiping, and sending messages but no one actually asks me out. I don’t go on that many dates. And when I do, I know almost immediately that it’s a bad fit. These apps just don’t work, they’re a waste of time,” she tells me.


And I agree with her. She was using the apps to feel less bored and less alone. She was finding temporary distraction and what seemed like connection through the apps, but it wasn’t satisfying.
 

I want to bring back the lost art of connection.
 

J is struggling because she feels bad for being lonely. She’s lacking connection so she logs onto the dating apps and searches for connection there. Even if it doesn’t work out perfectly it feels slightly better than doing nothing at all. But it’s still a let down.

She was afraid to try real life connection because deep down she was afraid of being rejected. And that fear felt waaaay worse than the disappointing dates.

Wanting connection is innate in human beings. If you're feeling lonely, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE HUMAN! We all want connection. 

We over-complicate connection. We focus so much on “Does the other person like me?” and we never ask “Do I like him/her?”

It’s really not important if they like you. The little known secret is that people like us when we like them. When we are focusing on the qualities we like about another person, we will see more things that we like, and we begin building strings of connection.

I challenge you to flip the script in your brain. Drop all the importance and fuss around “Do they like me?” It doesn’t matter. There are 7 billion people on this planet and the only person who REALLY has to like you is YOU. And maybe your mom. Everyone else is a bonus and there are literally billions of people that have the potential to like you, so this one person is just a drop in the sea.

The question you need to be asking is “Do I like this person? Do I like who I become and how I feel when I am around this person?” When your answer is yes, then you have a foundation to expand on.

Your turn. The next time you are spending time with anyone (it can be a date, a friend, or a family member) ask yourself that question. And then take the answer and use it to decide if this person is worth connecting with.

Spend more time with people that make you feel good, spend less time and energy with people that make you feel less than good. This is how we build connection and have more fulfilling relationships.

This kind of advice might put me out of business, because it makes dating so simple. Try out this simple shift in your thinking, and I guarantee that the quality of your relationships will skyrocket because of this.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Have a Great Valentines Day No Matter What

Valentine's Day is a bit overrated.

And that is coming from someone that loves love. 

I love everything about the celebration of love, but I could do without all the extra commercialism and pressure that comes with Valentine's Day. Can you relate? 

My proposal this year is to celebrate love without the extra hype. And you can do this if you are in a relationship, single or it's complicated. 

Because at the end of the day, the best love you are going to receive is the love you give yourself. 

I want to help you celebrate love in a way that feels good to you and does not involve spending a ton of money, or feeling guilty for a ton of extra calories in wine and chocolates. Let's make this a real love fest!

Here are my best tips to celebrate a Valentine's Day that doesn't suck and celebrates you and everything you love about you:
 

1. Write yourself a love letter. What is so great about you? What is uniquely you that no one else does? Write yourself a letter or a series of notes to remind yourself how wonderful you are. 

2. Give yourself a little massage. After you get out of the shower, take some time to put on lotion and really massage your body as you rub it in. As you go along, give some appreciation to each body part. "Thank you legs for your strength in carrying me around all day. Thank you booty for giving me something to shake when I dance." You get the picture. Get creative, and be real. No shaming allowed.

3. Spend time in nature. Nature is one of the places where I can connect with myself and the world around me. I appreciate all the beauty around me and my part in it. This makes me feel special and a part of a bigger picture. It's humbling and fills me with lovely feelings.

4. Put on some music and dance it out.I like to put my playlists on shuffle and dance out whatever comes up. Let the emotions flow and surrender to the shuffle button. But if you want to conjure a certain feeling, play music that is in alignment with that. Want energy? Put on music that pumps you up and get moving! 

5. Self pleasure. You didn't think I'd get through an entire post about self love and not talk about giving yourself the pleasure of an orgasm?! There are SO many health benefits - increased blood flow, release of tension, and a natural rush of endorphins (among many other benefits). There is no shame in doing this for yourself without a partner, you know exactly what you like and what you need. :) 

I challenge you to celebrate yourself on Valentine's Day and then tell me all about it. I want all the juicy details. So comment below and tell me how you're celebrating.
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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

What's your baggage? (And how to finally let it go)

You know the expression "rose colored glasses?" Have you ever wondered where those glasses come from? Who the hell actually has these magical glasses that let us see the world and all the people in their best light? If you know, please tell me because I'd really like a pair.

I had a moment of total insecurity and panic this past weekend. While I was hustling and working on my business, I was sucker punched by irrational jealousy. 

My boyfriend was going skiing with a group of friends. And when he told me who was in the group, my stomach was instantly in knots. This made no sense, because I knew the woman I felt anxious about and I knew her boyfriend. 

And yet there it was. Irrationally jealousy and tight anxiousness in my chest and stomach. My mind was racing, which is always a sign that I'm not going to be showing up as my best self. Even when I brought this up to my boyfriend on the phone, in hopes of dissipating the power of the jealousy, I still couldn't shake it. Neither one of us knew what was going on or what to do to make it better. All I could think of was that it was a carry over from being cheated on in a previous relationship.

It was clear this was not about my current relationship. This was something from my past that needed attention and healing. 

Luckily, I was in a group full of life coaches, and one of them talked me through this in the car ride to dinner. She told me about the glasses that we wear as me move through our lives. These glasses are forged from our past experiences, because we embrace this idea that our past is a predictor of the future. 

So in my past, I was hurt because I was cheated on and I thought I should have seen the warning signs. So now the glasses taint my experiences as it works overtime trying to find warning signs to prevent future hurt. 

We have a choice in our lives. We do not have to choose to bring our past experiences into the future. 

We can choose a new future.

She directed me to look at the facts of the moment. What do I know for certain right now? And what do I choose to believe in the moment? 

"A belief is just a thought you keep thinking." -Abraham Hicks

I was able to release that my past wasn't going to repeat in my future. I could reassure myself of the trust I have in my relationship with my boyfriend. 

If this was a Hallmark movie, that would be the end of the story. I would choose a new future and it would unfold in front of me. But I want to share all the story with you because maybe something will resonate for you.

The jealousy didn't go away completely. It came back the next day while I was standing in an airport thinking about the situation. And as I was thinking through this, the repetitive familiar announcement came over the speakers "Keep an eye on your baggage at all times. Do not leave your baggage unattended."

Hmm, I think I've left some baggage unattended. 

The baggage of totally healing from the past, and letting go of this story of "the other woman." I was still feeling all kinds of pain about the other woman that was part of my past. I was still pointing my finger at her and blaming her for my bad feelings.

And I was getting reminded of her because this woman that I felt jealous of in this moment had the same exact first name. 

I was taking the name of this woman in the past and associating all my pain with her and her name, and dragging it into my present moment. 

I felt my mind busting open right there next to gate C12. 

Our baggage can cycle back until we heal it all. We do NOT have to bring it into our future if we choose to heal it and let it go right now. Just because something bad happened in the past does not mean that it will happen again in the future. You can be free if you do the work to clean up your past messes.  

Maybe that's how I can get rose-colored glasses. By cleaning up the junk so that I can look ahead of me with clear eyes and an open heart.

Your turn. I want to hear from you. What resonated for you about my story of jealousy and past baggage? And why?Comment below and tell me your story.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

My End of Year Process of Clarity and Letting Go

I was talking with a coaching client the other night and he made a connection that I wanted to share. He noticed he was avoiding taking risks because it was a way that he could control the outcome. And by controlling the outcome, he was getting more of what he didn’t want and never allowing what he did want to come into his life.

It was such a brilliant insight that I wanted to jump up and down. First we identify what we really want. Then we come to terms with letting go of what is holding us back. After we let go of what’s not working, we can truly see how we were being held back.

This time of year is all about reflection and looking ahead. My plan for ending the year will include some reflection of lessons learned over the year and celebrations of accomplishments. And to prepare for the new year, I plan to clarify what I want and what I’m willing to let go of.

The queen of clearing clutter Marie Kondo teaches to let go of anything that does not “spark joy.” In my experience working with clients, I’ve seen so many people that don’t find it to be that  I think the reason why this became such a trend is because the advice is simple AND joy is something most of us want to be feeling in our lives. And surrounding yourself with items that make you feel that way is one way to feel joyful more of the time! Letting go of things that do not make us feel the way we want to feel just seems like a clean way to move forward. 

Let me ask you this: In the new year how do you want to feel?

Joyful? Free? Powerful? Abundant? Peaceful?

Pick a couple of words that most describe how you want to feel. Imagine yourself feeling that way right now. What do you notice about yourself? Does your breathing change? What about your physical energy level? Check in with your posture and notice if there are any adjustments. Pay attention to these sensations in your body, and make note so you can remember it.

Notice where in your life are you already feeling the way you want to feel. I have a friend who has a policy to do one thing every day that makes her feel beautiful. It might be wearing lipstick or nice earrings, or other days it’s wearing a really soft sweater. By giving herself this gift of beauty each day, she said she started to feel it ripple outwards to other parts of her life. She would see herself in the mirror and smile. She would notice more moments of beauty in her life. It sounds so simple.

How often do you step into those feelings that you want? I’m going to guess not as often as you’d like. It’s easy to get swept up into the daily bustle and forget about those feelings. Instead we must seek and create moments to feel how we want to feel, and only after that intentional moment will we start to find other opportunities.

And now, it’s time to let go. It’s time to shed the old skin of all the old habits that aren’t serving you. You know how you want to feel, and you’re not feeling it right now. What is standing in your way?

For my friend that wants to feel beautiful, letting go might mean throwing out items that are broken, worn out, or just no longer beautiful. And just like Marie Kondo says, each item may have a lesson for you. If it’s something you love but it’s no longer beautiful, is there something you can do to restore its beauty? If not, perhaps it’s a lesson to take better care of the items you cherish. You learned a lesson, so thank the item for serving that purpose and then let it go.

If you were being intentional about only having beautiful things in your bedroom but never got rid of anything, you would end up with piles of crap. Imagine bringing in new beautiful items and placing them around what’s already there. The space would get overcrowded. It wouldn’t feel beautiful anymore. We must create space in order to bring in the new.

I encourage you to let it go. Imagine how you want to feel on the other side, and keep that in the forefront of your mind. Let it steer you. And as you let go of each item, you can thank it for being useful. You can thank the ex boyfriends for teaching you lessons and then let them all go. You can thank the clothes that no longer fit you for covering your body for a while and then get rid of them. The old habits, the old ways of thinking and old stories that you once believe. Clear it out, make space for something new.

My wish for you for the end of the year and the start of 2019 is simple:

I wish you clarity. I wish you peace and joy. I wish you space to create exactly what you want.

I will be taking off from writing for the remainder of the year. I need to give myself some space and some rest. I am excited for the new year and for the fresh start that comes when the clock strikes midnight on December 31. Can you feel it?

Wishing you all the best and lots of love.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

"No" Isn't a Failure

I think there is something about being a human that has us innately fear rejection. Maybe because it wounds our pride. Each of us handles rejection differently, and some people have no problem with it at all. But as a whole, I don’t think that most people like hearing “no.” 
 
The word no quickly starts to feel like failure. Whether you’re dating and you keep hearing no, or if you’re job searching without any luck, or whatever it may be. “No” quickly gets associated with “whatever you want isn’t happening.”
 
But I had a session with my excellent coach Sandi Amorim the other day and she reframed how I see no when she simply said “No is not failure. It’s just Next.” 
 
And, damn, that resonated deep in my soul.
 
Not only because this year I learned how to ask for what I wanted and willingly heard the word “no” over and over, but because at the beginning of this year I was single and didn’t take the word “no” as a bad thing. I actually saw it in a completely new way. Dating is actually the process of getting really good at sorting the good fits from the bad fits. 
 
“No” is not failure, it’s just a sorting tool? No is just “Next.” 
 
There are 7 billion people on this planet. Obviously, not everyone will be a fit. We need to be really good at sorting in order to get to the good ones quickly. We need to have a system in place to go “no next, no next, no next, yes that one, no next, no next…” 
 
If we look at dating as sorting, the question is no longer “How am I going to deal with rejection?” It’s now “How can I sort as quickly as possible to get to the best fitting options for me?” 
 
When it comes to sorting you need to efficiently eliminate the no’s. The criteria isn’t based on looks or a person’s job or education or their political affiliation. Instead, the key to quickly recognizing who is a good fit for some of your attention is quite simple:

1. Do I feel safe with this person?

2. Do I want to know more? 

 
Let me use an analogy. Being your long-term committed romantic partner is like getting in the VIP room at a very, very exclusive club. Like any good club, there is a bouncer outside with a velvet rope. And he is not letting just anyone in. In order to even step foot in the club they must pass the criteria that you feel safe around the person and you are curious to know more.
 
Once they are in the club, there other criteria to weed out who is worthy of a dance, who you’ll spend time with, and then ultimately who you invite to the VIP room. But that is for another blog post. 
 
If you have been dating and never even thought about asking these questions about safety and curiosity, you’re not alone. It is so basic, that we take it for granted. We just assume that if we’re attracted that we must also be safe and curious. It’s not true, unfortunately. And I know from personal experience that I overlooked the red flag of trustworthiness and I found out later that the person cheated on me. Deep down I knew there was something that wasn’t trustworthy, and eventually it proved to be true. 
 
We know very quickly if we feel like we can relax with a person. Do you feel yourself getting comfortable in their presence? You don’t need to divulge all your dirty laundry when you first start dating, but do they feel trustworthy? Do they keep their word with you and with others? Do they have close friends that rely on him/her? Do they do what they say they will do?
 
The second question about curiosity into who the other person is will serve you far better than if you are physically attracted. Yes, a certain level of attraction is needed for success in a romantic relationship but often this grows as you get to know a person. They become more attractive for all that they are, and this is not immediately visible. You do know immediately if you are curious about a person. Do you want to know more? Are you interested in his/her stories? Do you want to share things and explore things with this person? Does something keep drawing you back?
 
If your answer is no to both these questions, I would encourage you to say Next. It is really, really difficult to recover from no trust and no curiosity. No hard feelings, it’s really not even personal. It’s just not a fit. You can’t fake this and you can’t force it. 
 
Can you remember a time in the past when you did try to force it? Maybe you knew deep down that you didn’t quite feel safe with a guy or you really weren’t interested. But he was soooo cute, you went out with him anyway? Tell me the story! Hit reply and share. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

How to Deal with Loneliness

Loneliness feels particularly challenging this time of year. It’s like happy people are being thrown in our face left and right. Everywhere you look there are images of happy families bonding and couples finding true love thanks to the miracle of Christmas. (If you just want to get to the point, I put it in bold at the bottom)

Not only do we feel bad because our holidays don’t look like that, but then we beat ourselves up for feeling lonely. You know what? It's ok to feel bad. Feeling bad is the start of feeling good. We need that contrast to recognize that something is off, and we need to take responsibility for fixing it. 

I learned this like I learn most things- the hard way. Two years ago I did a solo cross country road trip. I spent a lot of time just driving on the highway, listening to an audiobook. I slept alone. I ate meals alone. For a lot of people this sounds awful. I was worried it would be awful, so I told friends before I left that I might reach out if I get really lonely.

One Saturday afternoon when I was driving between Sacramento and San Francisco, I felt particularly lonely. I called family and friends but no one was available. I just left one voicemail after another. I thought it was a weird coincidence that no one was available and no one was calling me back. These were the people that told me to call anytime if I needed something. Why. Weren’t. They. There?!

I thought to myself, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” So if I don’t believe in coincidences, what was going on? What was the key to what was happening in this situation. I asked myself a simple question that often unlocks a lot of my personal challenges. “What is the good in this situation, what is there FOR me in this?”

Sometimes we get stuck thinking that things are happening to us and we have no control. This doesn’t feel very powerful to me, so I believe that things are happening FOR me not TO me. So if this frustrating situation is happening for my benefit, what's the benefit? 

When I got really honest, I realized I was trying to push the lonely away. I was trying to ignore it, hide it, run from it. I didn’t want to feel bad. So I was running to all kinds of distractions. And when I really sat with those feelings I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I needed to focus on myself and take care of my own needs instead of the needs of everyone else around me. I realized I had some patterns that weren't serving me and I was able to distract myself from my own problems by always being there for everyone else. 

I let myself really feel all of this. I let myself cry. I thought the answer to loneliness was other people. I thought it meant I needed better friendships or better surroundings. I can’t run from it, I can’t cover it up. What’s happening around me does not solve feelings of loneliness. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. You can be with other people and still feel lonely. 

The situation does not change the feeling. Only our thoughts can change how we’re feeling.

The only thing that stopped the feeling of loneliness was that I stopped judging it as such a terrible thing. I decided to make myself my own best company, and really enjoy the fact that I was alone. What could I do to make me feel good? What could I enjoy BECAUSE I was alone?

What I find really useful is to turn to my senses. What can I sense right now- see, hear, feel, taste, smell? This worked especially well in this situation, because senses are so individual. I could be with someone and we could have different sensory experiences. So I got to really enjoy my own sensory experience. I got myself a delicious coffee from my favorite place in San Francisco. I changed my socks (believe me, changing your socks or changing your underwear can turn an entire day around!). I drove myself to Monterey and listened to the seals barking.

Here is the point of all of this. If you only read one part of this email, this is it. Loneliness isn’t bad. You’re craving connection. That is incredibly human! All of us humans want to feel connected. And sometimes the person you most need to connect to is yourself.

Next time you feel lonely, instead of reaching out to someone else I encourage you to reach out to yourself. Connect to your five senses and notice what you are experiencing right now. What do you need right now? What good is here for you in this situation right now? (the answer might surprise you)

Now it’s your turn. I want to hear from you. Ask yourself right now “What do I need?” and tell me what you will do to provide that for yourself. How will you meet your own needs right now? Bonus points if you ask yourself what good is available to you right now and share that with me as well.

Go have a great day, and great holiday season. Embrace what comes, because it’s there for a reason.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

How to Get Over Being Ghosted

I recently has a guy that ghosted me come back and apologize. Almost one year to the day after our last texting conversation, he wrote, “Hey - very random. But I wanted to apologize for ghosting on you. I feel like it was wrong and immature to do that... I wanted to say that I’m sorry for handling things like that.”

The funny thing was that I barely cared. Yeah, I was interested in this guy and where things could go, but when he dropped the ball I knew that wasn’t a good fit for me.

This was not always the case. I used to be the girl that would ask all her friends why he left. “What had I done wrong? Should I say something mean and snarky, or should I reach out nicely?”  Ghosting can mess with your mind big time. It can drive us to do crazy things to try to resolve and get closure.

But you already have all the closure you need. If you’ve been ghosted and you want to move on, here’s how.

Step One: Look at your imagination. Let’s be honest. You were really excited about the potential of the relationship, right? You probably had all kinds of ideas of what a relationship would be like. You had fantasies about the fun dates you’d go on, the lively conversation you’d have together, what it would be like for him to meet your friends, and so on. This is a lot in your imagination, isn’t it?

Get really honest with yourself and look at what was happening in your imagination. Were you doing a lot of projecting into the future? Were you projecting your feelings onto him and assuming they were being returned? Were you more excited about the idea of this person than the actual person?

It is ok to say yes. I did this SO often when I was dating. And I’m not alone in this. It’s pretty common. Because in my imagination, I can never get rejected. I can live out all my fantasies in a safe place in my head. It’s safe until I started expecting real life to be like my fantasies.

Step Two: Look at his behavior. People communicate loudly through their actions. How much was this person really investing in you?

If your relationship was a bank account, who was making the deposits? A deposit in a relationship bank account would be taking an interest in the other person, taking initiative to build intimacy, giving time and priority to the other person, and communicating. As intimacy builds, the partner will share more of himself/herself  including deeper thoughts and feelings as trust builds.

Take a look at the relationship when you were last ghosted. Who was taking these actions? Were you both equally taking these actions or was it more one-sided? Did intimacy build or did it stay static?

As a final part of the second step, I encourage you to look for the red flags that you (good-naturedly) ignored. I bet they’re there, but at the time you probably reasoned them away or waved them off thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Maya Angelou famously said, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” When I started living by this, everything changed.

Almost every ghosting story I’ve heard had red flags early on, but they were ignored and we hoped for the best (there we go investing in the potential and not the person again!). When we listen with curiosity we are able to listen intently with an open mind. It’s like we have one of those video puzzles that is revealing a larger image by showing one small piece at a time. If we stay curious and see each piece of information as revealing something about the larger whole person, then we can see clearly. But if we remain fixated on just one piece (like how handsome he is or the fact that he wants kids someday) then we don’t even see when the other pieces are revealed.

Here’s your challenge for this week. How can you listen with curiosity about another person? It doesn’t have to be a romantic interest, it could even be someone you talk to all the time. But I want you to listen to someone as if you are trying to solve a puzzle. Get to know all of them, not just one piece.

Tell me how it goes. What is different when you listen with curiosity? Tell me in the comments about how listening with curiosity changed the conversation.

Have you been ghosted? Tell me what happened, I want to hear the story. And if this article helped bring you some relief, what do you see differently now about the situation? Comment below and tell me all about it!

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

No More Holiday Family Drama

Let me be clear that I really love my family. Many of them read this, and I am incredibly grateful that I have so much support. (Hi Mom!)

But it’s like Anna Karenina said, “...each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” There is no such thing as a perfect family. “Unhappy” is pretty normal, actually. If your family is at all like mine, they know exactly how to push each other’s buttons and everyone has a set “role” to play. Holidays bring extra pressure and stress, plus extra unhealthy calories and booze. This is a recipe for drama.

And me, what role do I play? I adopted the role that it’s my job to take care of everyone’s well being by trying to make everything smooth and perfect. I overstep boundaries, butt my nose into places it wasn’t invited, and I defend people that didn’t ask for it. I can clearly remember being on vacation in Scotland and my sister was driving on the left side of the road for the first time. My mom and aunt were in the back seat offering advice, and doing their share of freaking out. I decided to put them in their place and told them to be quiet, to close their eyes, to leave my sister alone. My sister didn’t ask me to do this, and quickly shut all of us down. No one was helping, and it was stressing her out more.

I realized in that moment that I take on my mom and sister’s problems as if they are my own, and I make myself responsible for keeping them happy. When mom is freaking out, I think it’s my job to control it and make it better. When Mary is getting picked on, I try to set boundaries for her.

It’s exhausting. And it’s ineffective.

You probably have a very different family dynamic. I bet you have your own patterns that cause stress for you in your own life. And as we come up to the Thanksgiving holiday and the other winter holidays, I can feel stress levels rise around me. People are getting tense as they prepare for extended periods of time with the family they simultaneously love and hate.

I’ve pledged to myself to have a drama-free holiday. Here is the agreement I made with myself so I can do my best to keep calm.

• I pledge to stay on my side of the street. I will not offer unsolicited opinions and advice. I will ask if someone would like to hear my opinion before offering it, and I will not take offense if they say no.

• I pledge to take a break and walk away to get air when I need a time out. I will recognize signs of stress in my body (tight jaw and grinding teeth, uneven breathing, tight neck and shoulders, queasy stomach) and I will notice that as a sign to take a break.

• I pledge to ask for what I need and want. I will be aware of my need for space and quiet time, and ask for those moments when I need them. I will ask for the things that I want, without apology or guilt.

• I will not throw shame around. I will not yell. I will not participate in behavior that I already know makes others feel bad.

• I will not traingulate. (Triangulation is talking to a third party instead of talking directly to the person I have a problem with. For example, if I’m mad at my sister I could talk to my mom about the problem in hopes that my mom will bring it up to my sister.) I will practice direct communication.

• I will listen with an open mind and open heart. Just because my family holds different opinions from me does not mean they are automatically wrong.

This covers a lot of the behavior that I know has caused problems for my family in the past. What would you add to your list? Will you join me in pledging to have a drama-free holiday? Tell me in the comments below!

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Warning: Learning Curves Ahead

I am excited to share some news! I created a position with my mentor- Terri Cole. I've been a student of Terri's for almost two years and an active member of her community. I recently noticed that her business seems to be growing and her interaction with her community has changed. I proposed that I create a role for her company and work as a Community Manager. 

I'm really excited about this opportunity because I will get the chance to continue to build my business while learning from a much larger business. Terri has been a therapist and coach for 20 years, and there is much to learn while I am also providing a more steady income from myself. Plus I get to work from home, so that's pretty awesome. 

As excited as I am about this role, the transition is a little rough. I'm learning how to set boundaries around my work time, and I'm learning how to keep myself accountable and productive when working from home. I'm learning to prioritize when literally everything seems to be a priority. And I'm creating structure for a role that didn't previously exist. 

Somedays I feel in over my head. Somedays I even feel a bit worthless. I am my own harshest critic and will often tell myself that I didn't do enough and I'm not pulling my weight. 

Because it is so uncomfortable right now, I'm finding a lot of lessons for myself. I wanted to share these because changes can take all kinds of forms (starting a new job, starting a new relationship, having a baby, etc), and even when it's exciting it can also be uncomfortable. Here's how I'm dealing with the discomfort and letting it guide my growth. 

As I navigate my learning curve, I recognize I'm adjusting to a new normal. It's going to require a little extra attention and awareness as I consciously choose what is important and what is worthy of effort. And everything feels like effort, at least for a little bit. Once things have settled and get into a groove I can go a bit more on autopilot. But right now I am forming new habits and systems, and any time this happens it requires a bit more extra energy. 

I'm learning how to give myself more compassion. I'm building in more ways to give myself extra love and moments to rest and recover. For me, extra self care means I paint my nails and go to bed early. I'm also being very intentional about setting work hours and making sure I take breaks to take walks. 

I'm also saying no a little bit more. I'm having to turn down some opportunities and be more selective with how I spend my free time. To be honest, my brain is often on my new job as I think about new processes to make things better. And when I spend time with friends I want to be fully present. I am spending a little more time alone as I recharge my batteries so I can spend real quality time with people that I care about. 

What about you? Do you have something new in your life that you are adjusting to? How are you handling it? And if you are in a rhythm with your life, how can you find a moment to show yourself compassion -simply because you're worth it. How can you show yourself some kindness or bring full presence to the moment you're in. I want to hear from you. Comment below and share your story. 

And I have more exciting news! Are you a single woman and frustrated with dating?

I started a Facebook group recently just for you! We are creating a home for women to share their dating stories while learning my best dating information. Each week I give a focus for discussion plus some occasional homework so you can start seeing success.You can join me here (or send women you know). 

PS. If join today you will get an invite for a free workshop I am hosting on Monday for members only. I will be teaching the skills of meeting people in public places and starting conversations. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

If you want the whole loaf stop tolerating bread crumbs

I recently had my car cleaned and my mind was blown. I realized I had been carrying around this underlying tension every time I got into my car and it wasn’t as clean as I wanted it to be. I was actually a little ashamed of it. I pushed away that tension and shame and said I had other things that were more important to worry about. I labelled it as a tiny problem, and one of privilege because I was lucky to even have a car.

But despite my best efforts I still beat myself up for not taking better care of my possessions. I told myself it would take too much time to clean my car. And when I did clean it, it took no time at all to go back to disappointing me.

Do you have anything in your life that you can relate to this? Something that just doesn’t meet your standards, despite your best efforts? Maybe it’s an overstuffed closet or your junk drawer. Or maybe you have a constant layer of grime in your shower tiles, and the thought of deep cleaning overwhelms you so much you don’t even start. 

I know. It feels really hopeless. Which then becomes a spiral of bad feelings. 

Having my car look brand new made me realize all the bad feelings I was pushing away. I was just tolerating. And I didn’t even know how much energy and effort it took to tolerate. I had to have the problem go away completely in order to realize it was pulling me down and draining my energy (and I spend a lot of time in my car, so this was actually a constant issue).  

That’s the thing about tolerating. When we put up with something we don’t really like, we actually end up wasting a lot of energy and we still never really get what we want. It takes a lot of energy to try to be okay with something that is not okay.And then we spend energy pretending we’re ok, ignoring the problem, hiding it from others and ourselves, and lying to ourselves. Tolerating is the same thing as settling. It’s saying you’re ok with eating bread crumbs instead of saying what you really want is the whole loaf of bread. 

I had always been an advocate for #wholeloaf living when it comes to dating. I used to accept the smallest gestures from the men I dated, and I was ok with it. I was making excuses because at least I was getting something, and something is better than nothing. Right? 

Crumbs are not going to satisfy your hunger, and tiny gestures in dating are not going to satisfy your heart. 

My very wise coach Sandi Amorim said recently, “Contrast leads to clarity. It’s in acknowledging what you don’t want that you realize what you do want. It’s valuable information for creating a new future.” 

I want to reframe these experiences for you. Next time you feel a pang of pain because something isn’t the way you want it to be, notice that pang. Don’t ignore it or push it away. It’s a signal that you want something that you don’t have. Sometimes we need to acknowledge that pain of the absence of the thing we want because that is how we identify that something is missing. We learn through contrast. We have to know what we don’t want in order to learn what we do want. 

Tolerating avoids the pain, but it doesn’t help us get what we want either. 

What are you willing to stop tolerating? Maybe you’re done with tolerating expired food in your fridge. Or maybe you’d done dating men that aren’t interested in marriage and kids someday. Stop tolerating. And it’s ok to allow the pain to come. It’s the first step to figure out what you really want. Let that propel you forward. 

Your turn. Tell me what you’re done tolerating. Hit reply and tell me what’s in your life that you will no longer tolerate. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.