A Bit About Doubt and Manifesting

I got curious and started studying manifestation a few months ago, and I’m seeing a pattern that I want to share.
 
When we are in doubt, we are robbing ourselves the opportunity to have what we want. One of my manifestation mentors Denise Duffield Thomas tells this story that I’m going to paraphrase.
 
She was driving with her husband. Denise runs a million-dollar business, but with that comes plenty of expenses. Of course, she has her house to pay for, her kids, and bills. But she also has payroll, services, contractors, events, and so forth that she has to pay for. She was in a moment thinking “I don’t have enough. There isn’t going to be enough.”
 
She was doubting. She wasn’t sure she was going to have enough to pay her expenses. 
 
Maybe that blows your mind that someone could have a million-dollar business and not be able to have enough money. Maybe it surprises you that someone who teaches manifestation for a living would have a moment of doubt and worry about not enough. And maybe you’re looking at it very logically that if there isn’t enough money, there simply isn’t enough money and there isn’t going to be any more. 
 
But her husband, who knew her well, caught her doubt. He said “That doesn’t really sound like you. You always say there’s always more.” Denise shook herself out of the moment and said, “Yeah, you’re right. There’s always more money.”
 
And right then a wad of 50 Australian dollar notes smacked her car and blew all over the road. She said it was probably 1,000 dollars’ worth. And she and her husband burst out laughing.
 
I can’t make this up. And if she made it up, I don’t really care because I think it illustrates a point. 
 
When we are doubting, we can’t see opportunity. Roads close down and we wind up in a very laser focus perspective. And usually that perspective is not pointing in a direction that will help us. 
 
I want you to know there is always hope. 
 
No matter what you’re facing. There is always more love. There is always more money. There is always more opportunity. There is always more creativity and joy. 
 
When you are completely full of love, what’s at the core of that is hope. That feeling you have after a really great date is hope. That feeling of falling in love and being in love is actually hope. When you nail the presentation, get the promotion, book the travel you are feeling hope. 

What if we did that more? Instead of worrying and getting stuck in doubt and not enough thoughts, what if we leaned into hope? What might shift and open up for you?
 
Let’s change the game. Throw away the old ways. When you catch yourself worrying, you found something you really care about! You can celebrate that you found something that is worth your time, attention and energy. You’re worrying you won’t get what you want, but we know that doesn't work. It's time to bring in the big guns, it's time for hope. I challenge you to switch your thinking to loving, rejoicing and knowing that it is on it’s way to you. How can you spark that hope inside of you?
 
It’s not working the old way, so I challenge you to try something new. It feels so much better, I promise you.
 
Now it’s your turn. Have you shifted your perspective? And if you did, what happened? What’s new for you just by catching yourself in worry-mode and shifting into hope? 
 
I want to hear from you! Hit reply and tell me your story.  Share in the comments below!

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

You Don't Have to Do Anything

I felt inspired to share the following metaphor with you.

Imagine that you are a beautiful glass vase. There is a pitcher of water pouring into you. In the water contains all the things you need to live the life you want- Joy. Love. Belonging. Enthusiasm. It is an endless flow, and it will continue to pour for infinity.

Most people I know have this flow coming into their lives and they feel that they have to share it with everyone. "I gotta give the love to my family." "I gotta share this with my partner." "I gotta spread this to work projects." They keep tipping over their vase so they can spill the flow and spread it around.

It's a bit messy. Water is spilling, but people are getting access to it. Maybe not the most efficient way all the time, but they are getting it.

What do you think happens to a glass vase that keeps tipping over?

It breaks.

But what if you stood straight up, tall and proud of your own beauty, and allowed that flow of watery goodness to pour into you? An endless stream of goodness will fill you up and eventually you will overflow. And all that goodness is going to go everywhere. It’s going to spread to all those people that you care about.

All because you filled yourself up with goodness and you had more than enough to go around.

How are you taking care of yourself?

Where are you tipping over? And, more importantly, why?

I wanted to give you a way to tap into your own flow self love so you can feel yourself being filled up. That endless flow of goodness actually is available to you. It is so much easier to tap into than you might think. 

I recorded a meditation for you. If you're new to meditation or hesitant, that's ok. You just have to sit and listen to my voice talk to you. 

It's my gift to you and you can download it here. 

After you listen to the meditation, what comes up for you? Comment belowand share with me. I would love to hear from you. 

Sending love to you today.

Use the Good Lotion

I recently attended a retreat in Savannah with my coach Susan Hyatt. My coach loves creating luxurious experiences for her clients. When I arrived at the retreat, I received fresh flowers next to my bed and a gift bag of wonderful skin care products. My favorite was this amazing lotion.
 
I loved everything about it. It was a natural product and it smelled great. Plus it was lush and immediately soaked into my skin. Luxurious, for sure.
 
I used it just on the first night, and carefully packed it away to take home. I got home and displayed it in a place where I could see it every day. And there it sat. Waiting for the perfect occasion.
 
I was waiting for a special fancy night out where I would take a hot bath and then rub this into my skin so I would feel luxurious as I got ready for my fancy night. I wanted to wait for a time I wanted to be completely glam. 
 
I was looking at this beautiful jar of lotion in the bathroom and realized I don’t live a life full of fancy nights. I like coziness. And I completely forgot to use the good lotion recently on Valentine's Day for my hot date. If I keep waiting for the perfect occasion, that nice lotion will probably never be used.
 
What a waste.
 
What even makes something worthy of this kind of nice lotion? How fancy is the right amount of fancy? How will I know when I’ve met my own self-imposed criteria for a nice occasion? It was so ambiguous. 
 
Why can’t I feel luxury every day? What is stopping me?
 
The answer that came back surprised me.
 
I told myself, “I’m not good enough for that yet.” 
 
And, bam, I busted it open. I immediately saw that this negative thought wasn't true and it was sabotaging me and my own personal success. Those subconscious thoughts sometimes sneak up on us and when get to dig them up and do the work on making them align with what we want. 

 I am still a work in progress. I still have negative thoughts and sabotaging patterns. I still get to hire a coach and do the deep work. It's all a part of the journey of becoming the best version of me.
 

Your turn. What's your version of the good lotion? What's that thing you're holding onto until it's the perfect occasion? Comment below and tell me about your story. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

The Lost Art of Connection

I have one client who I will call J, and she is always telling me how much she hates the dating apps. “I spend all this time reading profiles, swiping, and sending messages but no one actually asks me out. I don’t go on that many dates. And when I do, I know almost immediately that it’s a bad fit. These apps just don’t work, they’re a waste of time,” she tells me.


And I agree with her. She was using the apps to feel less bored and less alone. She was finding temporary distraction and what seemed like connection through the apps, but it wasn’t satisfying.
 

I want to bring back the lost art of connection.
 

J is struggling because she feels bad for being lonely. She’s lacking connection so she logs onto the dating apps and searches for connection there. Even if it doesn’t work out perfectly it feels slightly better than doing nothing at all. But it’s still a let down.

She was afraid to try real life connection because deep down she was afraid of being rejected. And that fear felt waaaay worse than the disappointing dates.

Wanting connection is innate in human beings. If you're feeling lonely, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE HUMAN! We all want connection. 

We over-complicate connection. We focus so much on “Does the other person like me?” and we never ask “Do I like him/her?”

It’s really not important if they like you. The little known secret is that people like us when we like them. When we are focusing on the qualities we like about another person, we will see more things that we like, and we begin building strings of connection.

I challenge you to flip the script in your brain. Drop all the importance and fuss around “Do they like me?” It doesn’t matter. There are 7 billion people on this planet and the only person who REALLY has to like you is YOU. And maybe your mom. Everyone else is a bonus and there are literally billions of people that have the potential to like you, so this one person is just a drop in the sea.

The question you need to be asking is “Do I like this person? Do I like who I become and how I feel when I am around this person?” When your answer is yes, then you have a foundation to expand on.

Your turn. The next time you are spending time with anyone (it can be a date, a friend, or a family member) ask yourself that question. And then take the answer and use it to decide if this person is worth connecting with.

Spend more time with people that make you feel good, spend less time and energy with people that make you feel less than good. This is how we build connection and have more fulfilling relationships.

This kind of advice might put me out of business, because it makes dating so simple. Try out this simple shift in your thinking, and I guarantee that the quality of your relationships will skyrocket because of this.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

Have a Great Valentines Day No Matter What

Valentine's Day is a bit overrated.

And that is coming from someone that loves love. 

I love everything about the celebration of love, but I could do without all the extra commercialism and pressure that comes with Valentine's Day. Can you relate? 

My proposal this year is to celebrate love without the extra hype. And you can do this if you are in a relationship, single or it's complicated. 

Because at the end of the day, the best love you are going to receive is the love you give yourself. 

I want to help you celebrate love in a way that feels good to you and does not involve spending a ton of money, or feeling guilty for a ton of extra calories in wine and chocolates. Let's make this a real love fest!

Here are my best tips to celebrate a Valentine's Day that doesn't suck and celebrates you and everything you love about you:
 

1. Write yourself a love letter. What is so great about you? What is uniquely you that no one else does? Write yourself a letter or a series of notes to remind yourself how wonderful you are. 

2. Give yourself a little massage. After you get out of the shower, take some time to put on lotion and really massage your body as you rub it in. As you go along, give some appreciation to each body part. "Thank you legs for your strength in carrying me around all day. Thank you booty for giving me something to shake when I dance." You get the picture. Get creative, and be real. No shaming allowed.

3. Spend time in nature. Nature is one of the places where I can connect with myself and the world around me. I appreciate all the beauty around me and my part in it. This makes me feel special and a part of a bigger picture. It's humbling and fills me with lovely feelings.

4. Put on some music and dance it out.I like to put my playlists on shuffle and dance out whatever comes up. Let the emotions flow and surrender to the shuffle button. But if you want to conjure a certain feeling, play music that is in alignment with that. Want energy? Put on music that pumps you up and get moving! 

5. Self pleasure. You didn't think I'd get through an entire post about self love and not talk about giving yourself the pleasure of an orgasm?! There are SO many health benefits - increased blood flow, release of tension, and a natural rush of endorphins (among many other benefits). There is no shame in doing this for yourself without a partner, you know exactly what you like and what you need. :) 

I challenge you to celebrate yourself on Valentine's Day and then tell me all about it. I want all the juicy details. So comment below and tell me how you're celebrating.
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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

What's your baggage? (And how to finally let it go)

You know the expression "rose colored glasses?" Have you ever wondered where those glasses come from? Who the hell actually has these magical glasses that let us see the world and all the people in their best light? If you know, please tell me because I'd really like a pair.

I had a moment of total insecurity and panic this past weekend. While I was hustling and working on my business, I was sucker punched by irrational jealousy. 

My boyfriend was going skiing with a group of friends. And when he told me who was in the group, my stomach was instantly in knots. This made no sense, because I knew the woman I felt anxious about and I knew her boyfriend. 

And yet there it was. Irrationally jealousy and tight anxiousness in my chest and stomach. My mind was racing, which is always a sign that I'm not going to be showing up as my best self. Even when I brought this up to my boyfriend on the phone, in hopes of dissipating the power of the jealousy, I still couldn't shake it. Neither one of us knew what was going on or what to do to make it better. All I could think of was that it was a carry over from being cheated on in a previous relationship.

It was clear this was not about my current relationship. This was something from my past that needed attention and healing. 

Luckily, I was in a group full of life coaches, and one of them talked me through this in the car ride to dinner. She told me about the glasses that we wear as me move through our lives. These glasses are forged from our past experiences, because we embrace this idea that our past is a predictor of the future. 

So in my past, I was hurt because I was cheated on and I thought I should have seen the warning signs. So now the glasses taint my experiences as it works overtime trying to find warning signs to prevent future hurt. 

We have a choice in our lives. We do not have to choose to bring our past experiences into the future. 

We can choose a new future.

She directed me to look at the facts of the moment. What do I know for certain right now? And what do I choose to believe in the moment? 

"A belief is just a thought you keep thinking." -Abraham Hicks

I was able to release that my past wasn't going to repeat in my future. I could reassure myself of the trust I have in my relationship with my boyfriend. 

If this was a Hallmark movie, that would be the end of the story. I would choose a new future and it would unfold in front of me. But I want to share all the story with you because maybe something will resonate for you.

The jealousy didn't go away completely. It came back the next day while I was standing in an airport thinking about the situation. And as I was thinking through this, the repetitive familiar announcement came over the speakers "Keep an eye on your baggage at all times. Do not leave your baggage unattended."

Hmm, I think I've left some baggage unattended. 

The baggage of totally healing from the past, and letting go of this story of "the other woman." I was still feeling all kinds of pain about the other woman that was part of my past. I was still pointing my finger at her and blaming her for my bad feelings.

And I was getting reminded of her because this woman that I felt jealous of in this moment had the same exact first name. 

I was taking the name of this woman in the past and associating all my pain with her and her name, and dragging it into my present moment. 

I felt my mind busting open right there next to gate C12. 

Our baggage can cycle back until we heal it all. We do NOT have to bring it into our future if we choose to heal it and let it go right now. Just because something bad happened in the past does not mean that it will happen again in the future. You can be free if you do the work to clean up your past messes.  

Maybe that's how I can get rose-colored glasses. By cleaning up the junk so that I can look ahead of me with clear eyes and an open heart.

Your turn. I want to hear from you. What resonated for you about my story of jealousy and past baggage? And why?Comment below and tell me your story.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

My End of Year Process of Clarity and Letting Go

I was talking with a coaching client the other night and he made a connection that I wanted to share. He noticed he was avoiding taking risks because it was a way that he could control the outcome. And by controlling the outcome, he was getting more of what he didn’t want and never allowing what he did want to come into his life.

It was such a brilliant insight that I wanted to jump up and down. First we identify what we really want. Then we come to terms with letting go of what is holding us back. After we let go of what’s not working, we can truly see how we were being held back.

This time of year is all about reflection and looking ahead. My plan for ending the year will include some reflection of lessons learned over the year and celebrations of accomplishments. And to prepare for the new year, I plan to clarify what I want and what I’m willing to let go of.

The queen of clearing clutter Marie Kondo teaches to let go of anything that does not “spark joy.” In my experience working with clients, I’ve seen so many people that don’t find it to be that  I think the reason why this became such a trend is because the advice is simple AND joy is something most of us want to be feeling in our lives. And surrounding yourself with items that make you feel that way is one way to feel joyful more of the time! Letting go of things that do not make us feel the way we want to feel just seems like a clean way to move forward. 

Let me ask you this: In the new year how do you want to feel?

Joyful? Free? Powerful? Abundant? Peaceful?

Pick a couple of words that most describe how you want to feel. Imagine yourself feeling that way right now. What do you notice about yourself? Does your breathing change? What about your physical energy level? Check in with your posture and notice if there are any adjustments. Pay attention to these sensations in your body, and make note so you can remember it.

Notice where in your life are you already feeling the way you want to feel. I have a friend who has a policy to do one thing every day that makes her feel beautiful. It might be wearing lipstick or nice earrings, or other days it’s wearing a really soft sweater. By giving herself this gift of beauty each day, she said she started to feel it ripple outwards to other parts of her life. She would see herself in the mirror and smile. She would notice more moments of beauty in her life. It sounds so simple.

How often do you step into those feelings that you want? I’m going to guess not as often as you’d like. It’s easy to get swept up into the daily bustle and forget about those feelings. Instead we must seek and create moments to feel how we want to feel, and only after that intentional moment will we start to find other opportunities.

And now, it’s time to let go. It’s time to shed the old skin of all the old habits that aren’t serving you. You know how you want to feel, and you’re not feeling it right now. What is standing in your way?

For my friend that wants to feel beautiful, letting go might mean throwing out items that are broken, worn out, or just no longer beautiful. And just like Marie Kondo says, each item may have a lesson for you. If it’s something you love but it’s no longer beautiful, is there something you can do to restore its beauty? If not, perhaps it’s a lesson to take better care of the items you cherish. You learned a lesson, so thank the item for serving that purpose and then let it go.

If you were being intentional about only having beautiful things in your bedroom but never got rid of anything, you would end up with piles of crap. Imagine bringing in new beautiful items and placing them around what’s already there. The space would get overcrowded. It wouldn’t feel beautiful anymore. We must create space in order to bring in the new.

I encourage you to let it go. Imagine how you want to feel on the other side, and keep that in the forefront of your mind. Let it steer you. And as you let go of each item, you can thank it for being useful. You can thank the ex boyfriends for teaching you lessons and then let them all go. You can thank the clothes that no longer fit you for covering your body for a while and then get rid of them. The old habits, the old ways of thinking and old stories that you once believe. Clear it out, make space for something new.

My wish for you for the end of the year and the start of 2019 is simple:

I wish you clarity. I wish you peace and joy. I wish you space to create exactly what you want.

I will be taking off from writing for the remainder of the year. I need to give myself some space and some rest. I am excited for the new year and for the fresh start that comes when the clock strikes midnight on December 31. Can you feel it?

Wishing you all the best and lots of love.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

"No" Isn't a Failure

I think there is something about being a human that has us innately fear rejection. Maybe because it wounds our pride. Each of us handles rejection differently, and some people have no problem with it at all. But as a whole, I don’t think that most people like hearing “no.” 
 
The word no quickly starts to feel like failure. Whether you’re dating and you keep hearing no, or if you’re job searching without any luck, or whatever it may be. “No” quickly gets associated with “whatever you want isn’t happening.”
 
But I had a session with my excellent coach Sandi Amorim the other day and she reframed how I see no when she simply said “No is not failure. It’s just Next.” 
 
And, damn, that resonated deep in my soul.
 
Not only because this year I learned how to ask for what I wanted and willingly heard the word “no” over and over, but because at the beginning of this year I was single and didn’t take the word “no” as a bad thing. I actually saw it in a completely new way. Dating is actually the process of getting really good at sorting the good fits from the bad fits. 
 
“No” is not failure, it’s just a sorting tool? No is just “Next.” 
 
There are 7 billion people on this planet. Obviously, not everyone will be a fit. We need to be really good at sorting in order to get to the good ones quickly. We need to have a system in place to go “no next, no next, no next, yes that one, no next, no next…” 
 
If we look at dating as sorting, the question is no longer “How am I going to deal with rejection?” It’s now “How can I sort as quickly as possible to get to the best fitting options for me?” 
 
When it comes to sorting you need to efficiently eliminate the no’s. The criteria isn’t based on looks or a person’s job or education or their political affiliation. Instead, the key to quickly recognizing who is a good fit for some of your attention is quite simple:

1. Do I feel safe with this person?

2. Do I want to know more? 

 
Let me use an analogy. Being your long-term committed romantic partner is like getting in the VIP room at a very, very exclusive club. Like any good club, there is a bouncer outside with a velvet rope. And he is not letting just anyone in. In order to even step foot in the club they must pass the criteria that you feel safe around the person and you are curious to know more.
 
Once they are in the club, there other criteria to weed out who is worthy of a dance, who you’ll spend time with, and then ultimately who you invite to the VIP room. But that is for another blog post. 
 
If you have been dating and never even thought about asking these questions about safety and curiosity, you’re not alone. It is so basic, that we take it for granted. We just assume that if we’re attracted that we must also be safe and curious. It’s not true, unfortunately. And I know from personal experience that I overlooked the red flag of trustworthiness and I found out later that the person cheated on me. Deep down I knew there was something that wasn’t trustworthy, and eventually it proved to be true. 
 
We know very quickly if we feel like we can relax with a person. Do you feel yourself getting comfortable in their presence? You don’t need to divulge all your dirty laundry when you first start dating, but do they feel trustworthy? Do they keep their word with you and with others? Do they have close friends that rely on him/her? Do they do what they say they will do?
 
The second question about curiosity into who the other person is will serve you far better than if you are physically attracted. Yes, a certain level of attraction is needed for success in a romantic relationship but often this grows as you get to know a person. They become more attractive for all that they are, and this is not immediately visible. You do know immediately if you are curious about a person. Do you want to know more? Are you interested in his/her stories? Do you want to share things and explore things with this person? Does something keep drawing you back?
 
If your answer is no to both these questions, I would encourage you to say Next. It is really, really difficult to recover from no trust and no curiosity. No hard feelings, it’s really not even personal. It’s just not a fit. You can’t fake this and you can’t force it. 
 
Can you remember a time in the past when you did try to force it? Maybe you knew deep down that you didn’t quite feel safe with a guy or you really weren’t interested. But he was soooo cute, you went out with him anyway? Tell me the story! Hit reply and share. 

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

How to Deal with Loneliness

Loneliness feels particularly challenging this time of year. It’s like happy people are being thrown in our face left and right. Everywhere you look there are images of happy families bonding and couples finding true love thanks to the miracle of Christmas. (If you just want to get to the point, I put it in bold at the bottom)

Not only do we feel bad because our holidays don’t look like that, but then we beat ourselves up for feeling lonely. You know what? It's ok to feel bad. Feeling bad is the start of feeling good. We need that contrast to recognize that something is off, and we need to take responsibility for fixing it. 

I learned this like I learn most things- the hard way. Two years ago I did a solo cross country road trip. I spent a lot of time just driving on the highway, listening to an audiobook. I slept alone. I ate meals alone. For a lot of people this sounds awful. I was worried it would be awful, so I told friends before I left that I might reach out if I get really lonely.

One Saturday afternoon when I was driving between Sacramento and San Francisco, I felt particularly lonely. I called family and friends but no one was available. I just left one voicemail after another. I thought it was a weird coincidence that no one was available and no one was calling me back. These were the people that told me to call anytime if I needed something. Why. Weren’t. They. There?!

I thought to myself, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” So if I don’t believe in coincidences, what was going on? What was the key to what was happening in this situation. I asked myself a simple question that often unlocks a lot of my personal challenges. “What is the good in this situation, what is there FOR me in this?”

Sometimes we get stuck thinking that things are happening to us and we have no control. This doesn’t feel very powerful to me, so I believe that things are happening FOR me not TO me. So if this frustrating situation is happening for my benefit, what's the benefit? 

When I got really honest, I realized I was trying to push the lonely away. I was trying to ignore it, hide it, run from it. I didn’t want to feel bad. So I was running to all kinds of distractions. And when I really sat with those feelings I just wanted to be alone. I felt like I needed to focus on myself and take care of my own needs instead of the needs of everyone else around me. I realized I had some patterns that weren't serving me and I was able to distract myself from my own problems by always being there for everyone else. 

I let myself really feel all of this. I let myself cry. I thought the answer to loneliness was other people. I thought it meant I needed better friendships or better surroundings. I can’t run from it, I can’t cover it up. What’s happening around me does not solve feelings of loneliness. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. You can be with other people and still feel lonely. 

The situation does not change the feeling. Only our thoughts can change how we’re feeling.

The only thing that stopped the feeling of loneliness was that I stopped judging it as such a terrible thing. I decided to make myself my own best company, and really enjoy the fact that I was alone. What could I do to make me feel good? What could I enjoy BECAUSE I was alone?

What I find really useful is to turn to my senses. What can I sense right now- see, hear, feel, taste, smell? This worked especially well in this situation, because senses are so individual. I could be with someone and we could have different sensory experiences. So I got to really enjoy my own sensory experience. I got myself a delicious coffee from my favorite place in San Francisco. I changed my socks (believe me, changing your socks or changing your underwear can turn an entire day around!). I drove myself to Monterey and listened to the seals barking.

Here is the point of all of this. If you only read one part of this email, this is it. Loneliness isn’t bad. You’re craving connection. That is incredibly human! All of us humans want to feel connected. And sometimes the person you most need to connect to is yourself.

Next time you feel lonely, instead of reaching out to someone else I encourage you to reach out to yourself. Connect to your five senses and notice what you are experiencing right now. What do you need right now? What good is here for you in this situation right now? (the answer might surprise you)

Now it’s your turn. I want to hear from you. Ask yourself right now “What do I need?” and tell me what you will do to provide that for yourself. How will you meet your own needs right now? Bonus points if you ask yourself what good is available to you right now and share that with me as well.

Go have a great day, and great holiday season. Embrace what comes, because it’s there for a reason.

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.

How to Get Over Being Ghosted

I recently has a guy that ghosted me come back and apologize. Almost one year to the day after our last texting conversation, he wrote, “Hey - very random. But I wanted to apologize for ghosting on you. I feel like it was wrong and immature to do that... I wanted to say that I’m sorry for handling things like that.”

The funny thing was that I barely cared. Yeah, I was interested in this guy and where things could go, but when he dropped the ball I knew that wasn’t a good fit for me.

This was not always the case. I used to be the girl that would ask all her friends why he left. “What had I done wrong? Should I say something mean and snarky, or should I reach out nicely?”  Ghosting can mess with your mind big time. It can drive us to do crazy things to try to resolve and get closure.

But you already have all the closure you need. If you’ve been ghosted and you want to move on, here’s how.

Step One: Look at your imagination. Let’s be honest. You were really excited about the potential of the relationship, right? You probably had all kinds of ideas of what a relationship would be like. You had fantasies about the fun dates you’d go on, the lively conversation you’d have together, what it would be like for him to meet your friends, and so on. This is a lot in your imagination, isn’t it?

Get really honest with yourself and look at what was happening in your imagination. Were you doing a lot of projecting into the future? Were you projecting your feelings onto him and assuming they were being returned? Were you more excited about the idea of this person than the actual person?

It is ok to say yes. I did this SO often when I was dating. And I’m not alone in this. It’s pretty common. Because in my imagination, I can never get rejected. I can live out all my fantasies in a safe place in my head. It’s safe until I started expecting real life to be like my fantasies.

Step Two: Look at his behavior. People communicate loudly through their actions. How much was this person really investing in you?

If your relationship was a bank account, who was making the deposits? A deposit in a relationship bank account would be taking an interest in the other person, taking initiative to build intimacy, giving time and priority to the other person, and communicating. As intimacy builds, the partner will share more of himself/herself  including deeper thoughts and feelings as trust builds.

Take a look at the relationship when you were last ghosted. Who was taking these actions? Were you both equally taking these actions or was it more one-sided? Did intimacy build or did it stay static?

As a final part of the second step, I encourage you to look for the red flags that you (good-naturedly) ignored. I bet they’re there, but at the time you probably reasoned them away or waved them off thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Maya Angelou famously said, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” When I started living by this, everything changed.

Almost every ghosting story I’ve heard had red flags early on, but they were ignored and we hoped for the best (there we go investing in the potential and not the person again!). When we listen with curiosity we are able to listen intently with an open mind. It’s like we have one of those video puzzles that is revealing a larger image by showing one small piece at a time. If we stay curious and see each piece of information as revealing something about the larger whole person, then we can see clearly. But if we remain fixated on just one piece (like how handsome he is or the fact that he wants kids someday) then we don’t even see when the other pieces are revealed.

Here’s your challenge for this week. How can you listen with curiosity about another person? It doesn’t have to be a romantic interest, it could even be someone you talk to all the time. But I want you to listen to someone as if you are trying to solve a puzzle. Get to know all of them, not just one piece.

Tell me how it goes. What is different when you listen with curiosity? Tell me in the comments about how listening with curiosity changed the conversation.

Have you been ghosted? Tell me what happened, I want to hear the story. And if this article helped bring you some relief, what do you see differently now about the situation? Comment below and tell me all about it!

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Did you find this blog post helpful? Do you want to increase the love in your life? It all starts with yourself, which is why I created a simple self love meditation. Claim yours here and get more love immediately.